It comes back.

If it's meant to be


Cause I feel like I'm always waiting for something that isn't there anymore. Something so precious to give up but too exhausting to hang on. I feel like I'm always the one holding out for what's at stake. So don't blame me if it's better for me to stop hoping once a for all. Don't blame me if one day, I start waking up for myself. Start living for myself. Don't blame me if one day.. I forget about you. Cause, being with someone like you is never really easy.

And I need you like a heartbeat.

Have faith in those around you, but most importantly,
always have faith in yourself.

Catastrophe

There's much to tell about. A story about a girl who have hoped against the high waters, went against the heavens, swam across the oceans. A story about love and hope. Pain and Rejections. A story about a girl who has met love and lost it. A catastrophe the never was.

As the water, covers the sea..

I am tired. Yes I am tired everybody gets tired. Tired but happy. Never been more. Why? Cause I have never felt so spiritually happy until now. A lot of hurdles has passed. Some has ruined me to make me better. Some gave me a good beating until I was nothing but a stone at the bottom rock. Some betrayed me, made me think low of myself and nearly killed me. But, the thing is.. all those things/events/people whom I once despised with all my being made me who I am today and I love them for that. All that because of Him. Because, despite everything.. every pain that I have given him, every blame that I have thrown at him, every time that I turned my back on him and every betrayals.. He is there. He will always be bagging with Him His entire being, His undying love.

He loved me even when I was a stranger. He loved me when I was lost. He loved me when I was nothing. He loved me when I was down. He loved me when I am nothing but a body. He loved me when I was nobody. He loved me when I have nothing but me. He loved me when I turned my back on him. He loved me when I was useless. He loved me when I forgot to love. He loved me when He had given me reasons to live. He loved me when He gave me hope to start with. He loved me when He sticked to his promise like nothing else mattered. He loves me cause I am me. He loves me cause He is my father..

He loves me unconditionally.
and no one will love me more than He does.
His name is the immortal love.
♥

The little things

Life has been fun. So fun, that sometimes.. I just want to stop and just relish the feeling of being alive. Just when I thought that everything has been too much from what I really deserve, here comes something that will lift me up, make me smile and erase everything that needed to be erased and, till then.. what's left are those memories. Memories that doesn't make me feel the pain but, memories that makes me feel the lesson learned.

Sometimes, it feels like the world has gone against me. It feels so bad that I feel like drowning inside a pool of nothing but self-pity. Sometimes, I feel like everyone has decided to turn their backs on me that it feels like I don't deserve them any single bit. But then.. there are also times when I'm just about to give up when I feel like fighting, just for one more round. And during that one more round, I remember. I remember those flashbacks. Flashbacks with my family, flashbacks with my friends, flashbacks on those moments - those moments that once made me feel alive.

That's when I realized.. No. It doesn't matter if I win or not, what matters most is that the pain is gained. I got lost but I was found. The real deal isn't created to smash me into pieces, It was created to wake me up from the nightmares that I wasn't even aware that I have. It made me see. It made me feel. It made me feel hope but most of all, It made me have faith. And that's what makes me a person.

I want to break free.
I want to make it ♥

I have no idea where my life is going to lead me.

Have you ever felt so down in your whole life that you feel like you're drowning but, there's no one to save you? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep just because you don't know how to stand up again? Have you ever felt so alone in your whole life that you'd die just to feel the hugs of your friends? That's what I feel or atleast.. what I felt.

Seriously, some of you thinks that those grades aren't much of a big deal. They are not for me too but, It's not about those grades. It's about how my parents feel. It's about what I feel for them. It's about the disappointment, the guilt, the bruised ego, the mock-ings and many more painfully awful things that you'd wish you'll never experience in your whole life. But, I guess this is life. We can't always be irresponsible of our actions. That's my fault. Or atleast, that was my fault. Those good stuffs has absorbed all my attention. Not that I'm blaming them.. But, atleast.. I learned my lesson.

I was talking to my brother awhile ago, while we're waiting for our mom and our sister. (And) Despite the fact that I'm really crazily envious of him (of how perfect he is to my parents, that is), I just can't help but love him more. Especially because, I see the young me in him. Young me as in the free spirited young me. And yet, He can't see that because he's also insanely crazily envious of me too. Because of that, I can't help but love him more.

Here goes our conversation:
Him: You know what?
Me: What?
Him: I hate those people who plans ahead. People who plans everything they do or what they want to do. It kills the thrill, you know?
Me: Stunned. Uhm, Yea.. Me too.
Him: So you see, I dont plan. I just go with the flow. It's better that way. I get to enjoy life more. Who cares if I get arrested for doing what I want.. Atleast I get to do it.
Me: Yea... I was reflecting. But, why will you get arrested? 
Him: I don't know.. the thing is.. this is life. Anything can happen.

Some words of wisdom from my brother, yeah? It's pretty weird hearing this from a 10 year old kid yet, it feels like the heaven has opened the clouds for me. I don't know why but, just last night.. I was thinking about what happened to myself and was planning about what to do about it then, here goes my brother.. blurting out those stuffs to me without basis. He really is an angel.

Then and there.. I realized that I have no idea where my life is going to lead me.. but, It's not the end and that, I don't care anyway.. because I have these people. I have these wonderful people who makes my life worth living.

I love you but, I'm letting go.

.. Misused, mistakes.


You: No day has passed by, I don't know if it's something good or if it's a curse. There's no way to get her out of my head, sometimes I wonder if it's a torture.

Me: Trust me bro, it gets better. I used to have the same thing with a guy but, then.. he got cold cause of what I did. And, I was really at fault. So, I just accepted the consequences. It hurts cause after we separated, there's no other guy who passed my mind even a bit. Just him. Every night's thoughts are reserved for him. 

You: Seems like he's a good guy! Did you know? I used to leave chocolates bars and notes inside her bag during lunch breaks? God, I've been pursuing her since forever. Damn. What did I do this time?

Me: Hey, don't make it hard for yourself. You'll never know, really. There will always be a time for you guys if you're meant to be. And you know what, don't you think you deserve better than a cold treatment? Stop making it hard for yourself. If ever she decide to let you go, it's her lost. You've been trying to make things better for you guys but, think of it this way.. Did she ever try to make it right for the both of you? Think if she deserves someone like you.

- - -
I was talking to my best boy bud last night and that's what we talked about. It sucks to think that most people can't see what's right infront of them. It's unbelievable how they take things for granted without them even knowing it. Really. Who wouldn't kill to have a guy like my best boy bud, right?

Sucks. I'm not really the one to talk about love. Not because I don't experience it but, because I just don't want to. But, our talked last night made me realize some things. First, I'm one of those. One of those people who had taken the one who loves me for granted. Second, it's too late to fix things and it's okay with me. If that's the consequences of my actions then, so be it. Sometimes, you just really have to get hurt in order to learn.

Maybe this is karma. I hate it when someone close to me feels down. And what a better way to torture me, than to see my brother feel the pain. The same pain that I was able to unintentionally give to someone. Why. Why do we have to take other people for granted?

A message for you?
Get your gears on. Make your mind. Every girl out there would kill to have him. True love doesn't knock on your door everyday. Be sure to think twice if you're just planning to throw it away. Guys like him are rare to find. They are the ones who doesn't want the 'girl-of-the-moment' what they want is a girl that will be with them forever. Make sure, you'll be able to bear the regrets - a year or two later.

The one we love.

Nothing can ever change the love I have to the most wonderful mother of all ♥

We shop, eat, bond, gossip, laugh over the silliest things, laugh at other's expense, decide for each other, spend, chat about boys, cook, sing, play the piano together, and many more. But those statements above are not the reason why she's the greatest mother for me.

She's always there physically, emotionally and spiritually. She attends to me and my siblings, 24 hours - 7 days a week. Without even weeping a tear or so, she knows some thing's wrong. She tries to console us with all of her, whenever we have problems. She sticks with us - glues herself to us, despite the fact that sometimes, we tend to push her away. She showers us unconditional love - sometimes, love that's more than what we deserve but, she's still there anyways.. never giving up for the sake of us - her family. She works as hard as anyone I know to pamper us to the life that she has accustomed to give. Whenever we're down, she gives us enough reasons to move on - as if her presence is not enough. She's our inspiration. The one who's ready to sacrifice herself for us. The one who's always prepared to jump infront a bullet for us. The one who loves us so.

And, the one I love. I love her so much that sometimes, I think words aren't enough. No words can describe how I feel whenever she would comfort me. No words can describe how happy I am when she's with me. No words can describe how thankful I am that I have her as my mother. No words can describe the relief I feel whenever she would try her best to make me happy whenever I'm down. She's just the best, and the word 'best' seems too small to describe her.

Happy 47th birthday, Mommy ♥
I love you.

You've been my fatal attraction.

- Dream a little dream by Susan Elizabeth Philips ♥


Anyways, a lot of stuff has been happening lately and I feel like im too slow to catch up. I can't believe this school year is about to end when it feels like I just entered the first day of classes yesterday. I feel like a lost child sitted alone infront of a big silverscreen watching time pass by. I didn't like this school year at first but, I eventually did. It helped me grow into a better and understanding person. It taught me how to deal with superficial and judgemental people. It started out bad but, eventually.. it turned into something I can never imagine it to be.

I guess that's what growing up is all about. We should accept the fact that things can't always be good for what we think is better. It can only be good if we learn how to compromise with other people and if we learn how to find comfort over the silliest, smallest things. We have to learn how to see the better side of a person before we judge. We have to know the high and lows of every person before we criticize them.

A bit sad, don't you think? I got close with some of the most wonderful people I've ever met during the last quarter of the school year. Maybe it's because deep inside, I know I don't fit in. No, scratch that. The truth is, I don't want to fit in. For some reasons, I really don't want to be like them so, I decided to just step inside my little home nut shell and hide. That's a big mistake though cause by the time that I realized that I was contented but not happy with where I was, It was already almost too late to change things but, I did :) Okay, not the point but the thing is, I learned from my mistakes and I tried to change it. I did grow up, didn't I?

"I'll never forget. You made this year worthwhile."

Crap

If there's one thing I always tried so hard to avoid it's being courted. I know, I'm weird like that. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I was raised up by my parents to have a life plan (You know, have my own business at 25, marry at 28, etcetera) but whatever. Whatever reason it is.. it gives me enough creeps whenever I imagine myself romantically involved with a guy.

I love most of the boys I know, who doesn't? but, I love them not the way most of the girls out there do. That's the reason why I call most of them 'bro'. Unfortunately, some thick faced people just really can't take the hint and damn, is he bugging me. I don't want to be rude and all that but, whatever.

To top it all out.. he's my friend's ex-boyfriend and my friend sort of likes him still. I really hate this feeling. Argh. I really like him as my friend but, I just can't risk the feeling that our friendship might lead him on. Whatever. This whole romance thing really destroys the friendship.

Can't you take the hint?

Enough isn't enough

I woke up with beads of sweat on my face. I dreamt of you again. Thoughts after thoughts, thump after thump, as the beat of my heart quickened it's pace. A dream that's only allowed to be in my dreams. A dream that can never be replaced by any other glorious dreams. It's a dream that made me crave for more, aspire for more and dream for more. It's a dream that made me against my own barriers that I carefully created. It's a dream that made me realize that I'm not so immune to you after all. It's a dream that reminded me, that no matter what. I will always be in satiated when it comes to you, because with you, enough will never be enough ...

Because our fears won't get us anywhere.

"I hate being normal; but fear becoming anything else."
I came across postsecret a while ago when I happen to see that. It amazes me how I'm not the only one who feels that way. It amazes me how I can relate with someone who's a total stranger to me.

Ever since I was young, I always try to be different from other girls my age who would rather brush plastic Barbie doll's hair rather than do some creative art work or something not really a girly girl would do (I'm not really into Barbie dolls in the same way that I'm not really against them). That's me when I was young and till now, I'm still like that.

All that because I want to be different. I want to create myself as someone who would be seen as different from the rest. I know, we all want to be like that. We try to be ourselves but sometimes, we tend to be influenced by other people. I guess that's okay cause the truth is, as hard as we try to be different, we can't change the fact that we're a bit of every person alive in this world.

So you see, I'm different but I'm normal. Different in a way that I want to make a difference within me. I'm normal because those things that life challenged me with makes me the person I am today in the same way what life did to you.

We're all different yet the same in a way. And our fears, our fears will always be there to stop us. So, one suggestion for you. Face your fears cause when the only thing you see is your fear for everything, you see nothing and seeing nothing won't get you anywhere.

Forgiveness

Something is really boggling me ever since last Monday. I wonder if it makes me a rude person if I turned down a apology. I don't care. What I know is that I deserve so much more. Call me arrogant, call me every bad names you can find in the dictionary. See if I care. All I know is that I'm not a hypocrite. I won't face a person pretending everything between us is alright when it's not. My dignity is the only thing I have right now that you haven't destroyed yet. Running away from your problems that we, your friends, tried so damn hard to solve just shows that you never gave a damn about us. So, pardon me if I'm being straight here, because everything won't change if you decide to run away from your problems again.

I miss the old times, but we need you to learn. To learn how to value what you have. To learn how to accept defeat. To learn how to step down your pride. All that because, we care for you.

See you.

Her heart still beats.

Even though her eyes are frozen.

What do you do when people tend to take you for granted? When you have shown so much love and care yet, they mistook it as something else. When you chose to fight with her yet, she's the one who decided to give up?

In that case - I did what I have to do. I stopped. No, I didn't stop caring.. I didn't stop loving. I just stopped showing it. I stopped showing how much I care for her or how much I love her. She pushed me out that's when I realize that I have let go of so much self-dignity already. It's time to gain them back.

What do you do when someone pushes you out?
Quit. and put the ball in her hand.

-----
++ Anyways, guess what! I'll be having my recital on March 8. I can barely wait. I'll be playing Ludwig Van Beethoven's 9th symphony. I can't wait! I already did some playing with my piano teacher and dear God, someday I hope to be like her! :} I also learned that Beethoven was deaf when he made that piece. Can you believe it? The man who created his own immorality because of his music was deaf? I can't believe it myself too but, his story pushes me to work harder, pour harder and play harder. :}

++ That's all, I'm tired.
+ And oh, New layout.
Spread peace, Not war! Make love, not hate! :}

Fiction

... I was trying not to show too much emotions. Emotions that are threatening to burst like a volcano. Emotions that was building inside me for a very long time now. I excused myself and went to the crying place. The moment I locked the door, tears fell. One by one. One tear for each reason why it happened. My heart was constantly battling with my mind. Asking it to be heard, constantly screaming your name and the word forgiveness. But, I guess my mind still won. Forgiveness, as of now, is not yet my nature. And my heart, my stupid heart.. is still broken.

Thankf

A lot of things happened this past few days. A huge part of me almost broke down because of the things from the past. A lot of things brought me down. Not just my friend's situation but, just everything about me. I lost faith. I began to lose hope. I began to carry the world on my shoulders when, it shouldn't be that way.

But nevertheless, I'm still thankful. Thankful to God because everything paid off. Thankful to him because he's still so damn good to me no matter what. Thankful to him because he made my life a lot easier. Thankful because he gave me the strength to go on each day. Thankful because he made me much more stronger than before. Thankful because he never left me hanging.

Thankful to him because he returned my bestfriend back.
Thankful because he chose to love me.

trying to find a place in the world.

She cuts classes. What a stupid, selfish move.
She cuts herself. I can't very well tolerate that anymore.
She can't accept the fact that she was the dumpee this time. I'm pissed, she can't accept the reality.

I'm so tired of thinking. I'm so tired of helping other people when they don't even have the initiative to fix their lives. I'm so tired of minding other people's business. I'm so tired of fixing other people's problems. It's getting sick and old school when, I can't even fix my own life.

I'll tell you what. I have to fix my life. Not just my life but, my friend's life. I love my friends to death but, if she doesn't want to help herself, it hits me too. I live in a life where I want everyone close to me to be happy so, whenever they're not.. It affects me too, like a disease. It eats me up alive and made me think am I worthy of them? But, right now.. I just want to stop thinking. Cause I know I've long done my part as her bestfriend.

I'm so sick and tired of it. I understand her case but, that doesn't give her an excuse to waste her life over some sick bastard who doesn't give a damn about her. She's wasting the 'supposed to be' time of her life. She became selfish just because of a broken relationship. She doesn't give a damn about how we feel. That pains us.

Please stay for awhile now.

Right now, I feel like the only way to vent out my feelings is to blog. Even though I badly want to seek help from my close friends, I can't cause I know that it will hurt them deep inside like it's hurting me.

The truth is - despite the fact that you're willing to open up, to learn, to accept with all means, most people just tend to keep everything to themselves. Yes, by all means, I accept that fact but, what hurts me right now is that I have to learn some facts from other people than from her, one of my sister. It bruised my already battered self-esteem, made a hole inside my heart and made me think my of worth for them.

It hurts whenever she calls me her bestfriend despite the gap that's currently building between us. It hurts that she doesn't trust me enough to know that I would stay by her side no matter what. It hurts to see that she's acting all good when I know that deep inside, she's hurting like a bitch. I want to help. I want to bring along the pain that she's carrying inside but, what can I do if she doesn't want to open up to me - the one she calls her bestfriend.

It just really hurts to know that she doesn't trust me enough to know that I would stick by her side through thick or thin. It hurts because whenever I have my down times, my heart would always scream her name.

But, I accept it. If she hurts, I hurt too. That's how much I love her. I know you're prolly reading this and stuff. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I'm just always here for you. I mean it.

La Amistad: Friendship.

La Am 1; La Am 2;
For those who haven't watched that movie yet, your lost. I have been to Canada, both Toronto and Vancouver. I have been to California too. I have been to Osaka Japan when I was in 5th grade. This march, we're headed off to Nova Scotia - Canada.

What's my point, you may ask.

La Amistad means friendship. Ironically, It was also the place where brutal and immoral discrimination took place to Black Africans. They were sold and was forced to slavery just because they were black Africans.

I honestly can't believe that people can be that cruel. They threw people from the ship just because they lack food. They hit people for the sake of hitting them. They don't let sick people get cured and lastly, they took their right to be free.

I honestly believe that until now, most of us are guilty of this. Maybe not the way they slave those black Africans but, the way we tend to judge a person not by his or her attitude and character but by his or her background. Vancouver, Toronto, Japan, California. I have been to those places - all of which still has the ashes of discrimination.

• Freedom is not given. It is our right at birth.
• When we judge, we take that person's right to be free.
• We've come to understand that who we are is who we were.

The natural state of mankind is freedom.

John Quincy Adams: This man is black. We can all see that. But, can we also see as easily, that which is equally true? That he is the only true hero in this room. Now, if he were white, he wouldn't be standing before this court fighting for his life. If he were white and his enslavers were British, he wouldn't be standing, so heavy the weight of the medals and honors we would bestow upon him. Songs would be written about him. The great authors of our times would fill books about him. His story would be told and retold in our classrooms. Our children, because we would make sure of it, would know his name as well as they know Patrick Henry's. Yet, if the South is right, what are we to do with that embarrassing, annoying document, The Declaration of Independence? What of its conceits? "All men created equal," "inalienable rights," "life, liberty," and so on and so forth?

the talent, the will, the passion and the love.

"If you don't want to be just another talent, play with your mind and your heart intertwined. It's not always the knowledge that counts. It's the talent, the will, the passion and the love for what you're playing."
- Ms. Aguilar; Pianist ♥

I had my first piano lesson for the year 2008 awhile ago. I really had fun playing it even though my playing was pretty messed up due to my juggled mind, I still managed. She told me that awhile ago, while I was having a hard time concentrating with my playing. She told me that no talent stands out unless, that person loves what she's doing. I agree so much. That talk with her will forever be etched in my heart.

Anyway, she's training me for the upcoming recital on March. I can hardly wait! :) It would be my 2nd recital ever since I stopped playing way back in third grade. I'm honestly pretty scared, but I know for a fact that it's all going to be okay. All for passion, right? :)

The world doesn't stop.

I had been sporting a frown ever since this day started, I guess you can say that I woke up at the other side of the bed but, it's not just it. The feeling of being mocked is simply an annoying feeling and I just can't stand it especially if my dignity (or my friend's, rather) is at stake.

With all honesty, I hate it when people talk too much especially when they talk but, they know nothing at all. I hate it when people judge you and tell you to have some dignity but, the truth is - they're those who egotistically brought you down. They're also the one who swore that they would be with you till the end but, they're also the ones who pushed and crushed you off the ground.

I hate it when people pretends to know you more than you know yourself. I hate it more when people starts to call you names. I hate it the most when a person tells you to have some effin dignity right after he calls you a whore bitch.

-

Okay, that wasn't for me but I just feel the need to rant it all out. There's my best friend who came from the break up and her jerk of an ex who called her that. I just can't believe it. Who, in his right mind, would name and label a girl that way. Right now, I'm just so thankful that they're not together anymore. He's not worth if. He's one hell of an egotistical jerk who thinks that the world would stop and mourn if he leaves you.

Well, get this you stupid asshole. You're nothing new. So, stop calling names and get a pathetic life cause no one, in her right mind, would fall for an eye monster asshole like you.

2007

2007 has been an emotional roller-coaster ride to me. It was an eye-opener. A lot of fights has transpired that made me learn how to decide and how to stand by my decisions. There's backstabbing, rejection and denials that made me want to give up. (But) despite that, I'm still glad cause even though 2007 has been cruel to me in some ways, it made me grow up. It made me strong. It made me the person that I am today. It made me realize my dreams. It thought me how to be one with my passion. It thought me how to give it all and do my best. It made me see that life is far more beyond from what we expect it to be.

Sure, 2007 wasn't that good to me - but, it clearly made me see that there's always more to life than we expect it. Lesson learned from 2007? don't expect but, don't lose hope. Repent but, content. Don't always ask for more. Just give time, chill out, loosen up and go with the flow ♥

♥ Hello 2008!