Oh, life.

Isn't it funny how I always end up opening this page when I'm seeking refuge from something and then always ending up being at a loss for words? Or maybe, this feeling I have cannot really be expressed, nor written to the extent of my emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to put to words the things I feel. Perhaps cause I don't understand it myself or to cut this short, I just don't understand myself at all when it comes to you.

I can't seem to let you go. I don't know if I love or hate myself for it. We've been going back and forth for days now, countless of times, we even tried to break up. To me, it seems like the only constant person in my world is changing. You've become distant, and I acknowledge the fact that everything is partly my fault. You have an entirely different world now where I feel like I don't have a space at all, and if you'll ask me if it hurts? Yes, it hurts. I'm a very selfish person. I've told you countless of times how I only want you for myself. And I really love you for trying your hardest to be that, but ultimately, I know I can't blame you for not being the person in my imagination. We've gone through heaven and hell. Me with my insecurities that keep on blinding me and you with your selfless assurances that you're slowly getting tired of giving. I know I'm a hard person to be with. You always tell me how I deserve so much better now that you can't give me your all, but perhaps, I hate you and I hate myself even more for not being that deserving person you should be with.

I'm really so sick of being sad all the time, but to be honest, I just don't know how to lift myself out of this place.

Drowning

And you asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I tell you, "Ask me to stay. Tell me you love me." But you didn't.

It's funny how everything can change in a span of six months. It's a given how we're wavering through uncharted territories, but I never, not for once, thought you'd let me swim through it alone - more or less drown by myself and not save me. It's amusing how I once thought I'd be the anchor that would keep you afloat from your passion, and for the record, I was - or at least I know for a fact that I gave it my all. After all, you were everything to me, and I thought that maybe, if I give you all my love, then you would do the same. You were never the one to leave me hanging, but things change. And it's stupid of me to assume that you would never.

It wasn't enough. It never was. In the end, there were no tears, no harsh and empty words. There was just us - back from the very beginning. You and me as strangers from an arms length with distance hopes for each other that things will turn out for the very best.

But really, who am I to stop you?

If I could, I would.

If I could, I want to meet you all over again.

I want to go through the first day of class, almost over ten years ago, when I first gazed my eyes on you. I want to go through the process of mustering all my courage to walk up to you and maybe say, "hi" just like how I wish I did in reality. I want to feel the nervousness and the excitement of having a blank canvas to paint our story all over again. I want to be anxious again, while silently passing my slam book for you to sign and innately feeling electrified at the thought of you volunteering to write childish abstract of what you think life is all about. I want to feel your presence, again and again and again, everywhere - including in that one homemade video where you made me fall over and over again. I want destiny or fate or whatever it is you believe in to let me bump into you again, even just for once. I want you to initiate the painting of our story with a much bigger canvas this time.

I just want you in any way I can have you.

A letter to you

Hello, my dearest

It's 2:21 AM, and I'm still awake. It has always been like this lately. I know you think I keep on staying up for the reason that I'm currently on break, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. It's always at these hours, when you're sleeping, that I'm at my loneliest. I know you feel it, too - this gapping space between us. It wasn't always there at first, in fact, people surrounding us would always tell us we're inseparable. I always felt secured with you, and I guess, you felt that way too. As wrong as it was, we were each other's world - until we just weren't anymore.

I don't know what happened. I guess I could say life is happening. I know it's partly my fault for always pushing you away. I know it's not your fault that you've been thoroughly consumed by your passion. I just want you to know that I respect that. I couldn't be any more proud of you. You're finally making it, and from someone who saw you struggle from the very beginning, I'm deeply humbled by you - if only it didn't mean losing us.

We've always battled out our feelings freely from the very beginning. Like I said, it's my fault for pushing you away all the time. It's my fault for never giving you my utmost trust. I'm sorry for always blaming you for the things that are beyond your control. I'm sorry for making you feel unloved most of the time. But do you really have to pull yourself away too?

I'm unfair, I know. But it's always at 2 AM, in my dim bedroom lights, and a cup of tea on my right, when I feel the loneliest. Despite everything, I hope you know that when I think of losing you, I die a little more on the inside. The pain is unfathomable. And I'm slowly feeling that now. Maybe we'd last or maybe we won't. Maybe in a few days, weeks, or months even, we would overcome this. Or maybe we won't. Like you said, maybe someday, in a year or two, we would be back together again. Maybe I should take comfort in that. But right now, the only comfort I can ever ask for is being engulfed in you.

I'm humbled and proud of who you're becoming, but please, never ever lose me, too.

A Random College Tale

It was one of those nights. The drinks kept on coming. The music was blasting. The company was even more and more accommodating. Hard shots kept coming at the table at the same pace as the cards being thrown all over it. The night is young, as always, and so were they. 

She was at her own world. As the insistent buzz of alcohol consumes her, she was even more lovely and at ease. With all the problems in the world forgotten, she controlled and directed her life. This is what she's always wanted - to be finally free, even just for a tiny second. It's funny how people connotes people who drink negatively. On the contrary, she wouldn't even be familiar with Bacardi, Jager, and her all time favorite, beer, if she weren't depressed. As time goes by, she smokes her pack full of cigarettes. Others seem to think her life is easy. She smirks at the thought and goes through with the flow. As shots go on and on, her problems temporarily settles themselves on the tiniest and furthest ends of her mind. And yet, even without being sober, a tiny little voice tells her she will never ever be free. 

Guard yourself

With the car swiftly moving, he stared at her. Her eyes deceptively glowing from the dim reflection of the city lights, she looked positively luminous. Surely, she's a goddess being concealed in a human form. He laughed at the absurdity of his thoughts. Slowly, her forehead began to crease. Her eyes wide in wonderment, or perhaps a little inkling of irritation. He wasn't sure. Nevertheless, she still continued to talk, her excitement evident on the way she moved. He leaned on the window. He should probably begin to listen now.

"I'm telling him tonight!" she said, with uncertain conviction, and yet with fervent perception. She stopped, and expectedly looked at him. What can he possibly say to that? Her words were a slap to him. Surely, she must know. He has been on her side for months. She could not possibly be so cruel to drive a knife to his already fading heart.

"Are you sure?" with eyes closed, he internally berated himself. Of course she was sure. She's not the one to jump on uncertain grounds. He opened his eyes, and forced himself to stare at her. She is his muse, ethereally passing here on Earth. How can he possibly tell her that he isn't worthy of the girl she is? How can he make her realize in such a short span, before they step out of the car, that she's making a big mistake?

"Yes, I am," she uttered, her eyes contemplating and zealously solemn. She looked lost in her own universe. He wondered if she ever notices that about herself. When she becomes vehement about something, she drifts herself off to a different realm. How can she look so damn contented when he's surely going to have sleepless nights ahead because of her? Because of them? Carrying on with a little bit of hope he dared, he waited for her to come back to him. Seemingly, she snapped out of her reverie and moved her innocent but passionate glance to him.

It's over. It was a battle and he should have long realized. It has been a loss ever since he entered her life.

Hey

"Hi." 

 With just one mere syllable, you managed to turn my day around once again. I wonder if you see what I see. I wonder if you see those times I would snuggle up to your arms watching movies while we childishly play with the popcorn, or those times in between classes when you would sneak up to my room and steal a kiss or two. You said those things were the best part of our relationship, but I marvel if you ever think about those spontaneous hours that would leave me under your blanket -- always, always, always wanting for more, as the hours stretched into days. As your smile, now reserved and self-contained, fixed on mine, I am at a loss. Perhaps, I deserved this. Perhaps, asking you to still smile at me despite our horrendous separation is too much. Perhaps, I'm still stuck in a point of time when you would suddenly cover my eyes, hug me from behind, and rub your cheek on mine. 

 I look at you now, and I see the person you've become. Cold to me, but a little more warmer to the world. Now that you're not in my arms anymore, you are everywhere. Sadly, that includes my thoughts and my dreams. I wish I could say that I've always known you'd be this great. I wish I could pronounce with utter conviction that I have always believed in you, but that would just be another blasphemy. I've always ignored your little quirks. They drove me crazy, and eventually became an addend to the sums of reasons as to why we should break up. 

It's funny how I wanted this, how I asked for it. Funny in an acidic kind of way that I have to lose you for me to appreciate you. Do you even still think about me? Those times when we're both so busy studying, and you'd just suddenly kiss me on the forehead? Those times when you would just randomly message me in the middle of the night about how much you're in love with me? Do you still think about those moments when we would drive ourselves to nowhere as we wait for the dawn of a new day? Do you still remember those times when you smiled at me a little more warmer? 

 I look at you now, and I'm left with nothing else to say. 

Dying light

They say it takes twenty-one days to make a habit and another twenty-one days to break it, but to them, it only takes three. Hand in hand they walked to her boundaries. He will never know, of course, and she will never tell him. It's always an internal struggle for her. How can something that destroyed her after all be her redemption in the end? It's unexplainable and unreasonable, but there it is. It happened, and slowly, it has became a habit to them so intense, it's taking the life out of her. She shouldn't be doing this after all. Her with the thread-like blood and face so pale. At the dark alley, they fired. She observed him. With a face so youthful, he draw in the smoke, casually shrugged a little, and released it along with the breeze of a hurricane. It's ironic, that is. He doesn't know, and she will never tell him. She took in a drag, and leaned beside him. Goddamn, it's killing her, and he will never know. Every time they do it, a tiny part of her, disguised in a veil of thick, torturous air, gives out a little sigh and sinks a little on the inside.

With his hand on her left and a cigarette on her right, she looked up to the already polluted sky of the metro, and she could've sworn, she saw a dying light.

She's home

It's always the ones at night.

Tap. Tap. Tippity, tap, tap. Relentlessly, she succumbed to passiveness. One way or another, before the night ends, she was going to have to do it again. Inhale. Exhale. On the dimness of her room, she started to count her breathing.  Fathomless at first, until it became shallow. This is yearning. She is yearning. Yearning at its finest. She held her breath, and told herself, calmly at first, to control her compulsion. Her thinning lungs and her chaotic mind both raging on an invisible and losing battle. It wasn't always like this. Her life wasn't always like this. It was luxurious and pleasant. It was always safe. She would wake up in the morning, grab her breakfast, do her morning routine, and pursue whatever it is she has to do. It was safe and predictable. Predictable. Isn't that word funny? She used to hate predictability. She thrived on adventures. After all, being the goody-good girl she was, who wouldn't thrive for it? She was always lost in her own fictitious world. But lately, when she arrives from the scepticism and perilousness she partakes in everyday, emptiness would slowly creep into her until it embraces her heart. She's going to be at it again. Slowly, she opened her safe. It's always a battle for her. She dug steadily until she reached her getaway. A finale began to emerge. She opened it and found her stash. Stealthily, she grabbed her lighter and pushed it downwards.

One stick wouldn't hurt, and she's finally home. 

Glimmer of madness

She sighed as she looked around. It's getting to her again. The growing irritation on her skin, the unexplainable and unreasonable warmth enveloping her. She shook her head once. She won't let it win. She focused her sight on something. Someone. Anything. But unsurprisingly, to no success, everything started to become hazy. She clasped her right arm and pinched it once. Twice. She started seeing red. She sighed. It's crawling on her skin again. Her vision started to be clouded. Her eyes began to look empty. Waters, she thought. It's all starting again. She tilted her head up a little. The least she could do is control her tears. Silently staring and willing herself to look up, she looked like she's inside her own minuscule of a universe. A chaos too powerful to grace Earth. With a stone on her throat and with murky vision, she willed herself not to cry. She's always going to crave for blue. For coldness. For anything but this treacherous warmth.

You

It wasn't always like this.

We started out perfect. With shaky hands and uncertainties ahead, we were head strong. We went beyond anything together. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, it was you I'm talking to. At a hazy point back in time, you were the greatest confidante I could ever ask for. I'd hang to your words, because they were all that mattered to me. We can be in the middle of a big chaos, and I just wouldn't care just as long as you're beside me. You. You'd probably never realized the impact that you are in my life. Behind my 'devil may care' attitude and insecurities, you'd most likely never discern that you were all that mattered. Behind my pride and all, it was just you.

Comfortability. I know everybody craved for it, especially you. For some reasons, you fail to realize just how much of a wonderful world you live in. You are constantly looking for ways to belong. I'd love to tell you that you do, that in that one song you jokingly said to me prior to our relationship, you belong with me. But that wasn't always enough. It was barely enough. Time and time through, every single thing just brought me to the scariest pitfall I tried to avoid from the very first day of our relationship -- loneliness. I was lonely for you, and you were very comfortable with me. So there you go, behind my back, doing all hideous things that eventually led to where we are now.

Maybe it wasn't your fault. After all, this is a relationship, and it takes two to tango. Maybe I clung to you too hard. Maybe the pressure of being my entire universe is too much. Maybe the hurtful words I said struck you beyond tired as well. Maybe in the same way that you are comfortable with me, I became too comfortable with you in my own disjointed ways. Maybe I was always asking for too much. Maybe it was my pride. Or maybe, it was just me.

I wish you'd realize that this isn't something I wanted to happen. I was all set for you, and I believe, despite how we are now, that I did everything for you as well. For all the low words I have said and disgusting things I have done, I loved you beyond everything. You are right. How we were then doesn't deserve how we are now. It's chaotic and hurtful. I hope that someday, we can remove ourselves from this hollow hole that keeps on getting bigger. I hope that someday, all the 'maybes' will be turned into assurances. I hope that someday, there will be trust again. I hope that someday, we can be like how we were before all this chaos began.

Gone

"Well, so much for my schedule."

The moment she blurted those words, she knew it was trouble. His already narrowed eyes turned ugly, and he threw the first thing he grasped on. Fortunately for her, it didn't hit, but unfortunately for him, it was his mobile phone. She took a deep breath, and told herself to stay firm on her grounds. She wouldn't let him sway her. He was at fault. He was always the one at fault. But this time, just like the few times before that, he did nothing. She stood there half expecting him to pick his phone up any moment. People were starting to look. She wondered how it looked like to others. Did they look like they were fighting? Did it look like he threw his phone on her by accident? Slowly, people began to whisper. It's funny. She spent most of her life before him trying to get out of it. Him, being the most self-conscious person that she knew, threw one last critical glance at her and started to walk away. She saw black. He was letting her clean his mess, and she would. He knew she would. It had nothing to do with love, although the word was thrown casually so often that it had started to lose its meaning. Left with no other option, she picked up the phone. She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. He was right. She was a cryer. Fights like this would always send her stumbling to the far most corner of the campus bathroom, all the whilst crying her heart out. But this time, she wouldn't. He was at fault. And sooner or later, he was going to realize that. She walked slowly at first, showing people through her mannerisms that she wasn't affected one bit. She straightened up her usual clumsy pose and wadded herself out from the suffocating crowd surrounding her. "Don't look behind", she reminded herself. Walk slowly. One. Two. Three. And she's out. It's funny how he was right. She was at the far right corner of the bathroom, composing herself on what she should do. Should she just go home? Should she wait until he come to his senses and apologize profusely the way he does? She should even give him another chance? It seems like that's all she's been asking herself lately. After all, he is always the one at fault. His phone started to blink. Thoughts as fast as electric lines, started running through her mind. Maybe he found a way to borrow a friend's phone and wanted to find her! Maybe he was finally going to apologize! She opened his phone and found the alert leading her to a text message. She should have known. She should have listened to her gut feeling that something different was going to happen that day. That it was all going to change everything for them -- for him and for her. It was then. The moment he so callously predicted earlier. The moment it hit her to heart, she drowned in her own misery and allowed herself to cry.

So much for this.

Tonight

Sometimes, people surprise you in a way you'd never expect to hurt.

I've been stalling myself for days since I have no idea how to write this entry without giving away too much, but since I swore to myself I'd keep track of any life changing moments, may it be wonderful or horrendous, I'm going to try my hardest.

I don't often give my trust to people. It's a fact. It's not because I often believe that people are terrible human beings, and I like seeing the bad; It's simply because I am probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet in this entire universe, though this is still subject to further research, I certainly feel like it. This isn't something I'm proud of, but since then, I've been trying my best to change -- And I did, for quite some time. Though it took months, years even to gain my trust, there it is. I knew it was there. For some time, I was really happy too, knowing that I finally have someone to lean on through the good and the bad. It was such an amazing and rewarding feeling -- Having to feel like I have someone on my side, against the world, no matter what. To me, having someone on that sense was the highest form of intimacy. It was THAT sacred to me, and I lived with it. No. I lived for it. Everything I do, I did for that relationship. I was that happy to the point that I even decided it's okay to put everything aside and to just lay my world on that person's hands. I gave that much. I trusted that much. I loved that much.

Ultimately, in the end (if you even consider this the end), everything just slapped back at me. All the love I had given, all the love I had to give, and all the love I was willing to give - all of it, down the drain. I was destroyed. I mean, how can you say that you love a person when you're consciously destroying them behind their back? I am out of words. All I can say is that I've never ever hurt as much as I'm hurting now.

An Appreciation Post

I've been trying to look for connections as to why I feel this way today. Perhaps, it's the aftershock (one week later, might I add) of losing my phone, and finding it again. Maybe, it's the unbelievably bipolar and crazy weather here in the Philippines.. Or maybe, it's the pressure of facing the unknown after college.. If I will even graduate due to all these academic stress I've been feeling lately. I'm confused and tired.. as hell. But amidst all that, you're there. You're always there.

You might find it funny, but I will never forget that day when we were riding this insanely hot car and I was kind of bitching at you, you were sweating so much, and yet, you found it in you to ask me if I'm okay. I'm probably a lot fine as compared to how you looked, but point is, you put me first. You are always there for me.. That time I lost my phone, you didn't even think about it.. you volunteered to help me buy a new phone.  That lowest point in my life when my Nanay left us, you told me that even if you were never as close to her as I was, you still love her cause she loved me, and I to her. That time when you thought you lost me, and you cried so much. That time when my favorite pair of flats got soaked in water, and you made me wear your shoes, then you gladly walked barefoot inside the mall, and dried my shoes. That time during my debut when you felt so bad cause you thought you dishonored my Dad..

You are the greatest partner, ever. No amount of shortcomings nor flaws would ever erase that. As for the connection, I don't know. I guess you are just everywhere.. in my laptop, in my room, in the clothes I wear, in my thoughts, in my heart.

Inspite of everything and because of everything, I love you even more now.

Sometimes, a title sticks with you just because.

Mind you, I'm a very forgetful person. I should probably blame it to old age, but I've only lived two decades on Earth so far. Yup. I'm very forgetful like that. But when a person strikes me and captures my attention, I would probably remember that person for the rest of my life. Take for an instance, the girl who constantly wore her old school's uniform to my university, which has no dress code policy, for the rest of her freshmen year. Or the boy who was so unbelievably cocky, I hated him the moment I met him. Or the kind sir who dutifully shows up with the biggest smile ever everyday in my university's canteen so he can clean up the mess of some spoiled college kids in exchange for scraps and what nots. Sometimes, I don't even know the person's name, but titles stick with me like that.

Don't laugh at me, but I don't really remember why I wrote those stuff up there. Probably because I remember visiting this girl's blog which reminded me of my mine. Her blog title is really catchy, and I'm sort of asking myself why I didn't think of it in the first place. I just find it so fitting with how I see people, and how I think of them.

A short letter

Dear you.

Sometimes, God has a damn funny way of showing His love for us.

It was just a usual day when I got a text that changes almost everything. You see, in our relationship, you have always been the bigger man. You stand tall everyday despite all my petty whims and demands. You would always put your pride aside - No, scratch that. When it comes to me, you have no pride at all. You love me unselfishly with no ifs and no buts. While I, on the other hand, am full of insecurities, anger, envy.

And now, you're calling me your beauty queen.

I loathe you so much, you make me cry. It's so usual for me to only feel extremely much for you whenever you are at your lowest. I'm terrible - I know. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this, baby. You don't deserve all these things happening around you. I wish, once and for all, I can show you how much I love you. I wish I can be the one taking the hits, and not you. I wish you would still have the chance to achieve your dreams. But even so, you'd be amazing in everything else. You speak words, full of sense and intelligence. You interpret things with a unique dab of perspective.. And for the lack of better words, you are amazing.

On behalf of this sad world we live in, I'm so sorry. In the same way that I'm terribly sorry for constantly taking you for granted.

I may not always show you, but I assure you, at times like this.. You will always have me.

Love always,

Your legit beauty queen.

This goes to you, my love

One day, we will nervously carry our luggage, hop on a blessed plane, and fly to a foreign country. One day, we will get lost on the streets of Spain, play with the extinct animals in Africa, watch the Niagara falls in Toronto, swim with the dolphins in the Philippines, walk around in New York, see the beautiful lights in Tokyo, and have the most scrumptious meal in Italy. One day, we will receive numerous wedding invitations from our close friends, give endless wedding speeches, buy tons of wedding presents before it will be our turn to host our own. One day, we won’t be each other’s tickle frenemy anymore, as we will pass the sweet torture to our cute babies while we watch them giggle to tears. One day, we will march up the stage with silly grins and proud faces, not for ourselves, but for our intelligent kids. One day, as we argue about the places we will travel, we will pin up a map on a random place in our room, and we will play darts with our kids. One day, we will roam around the world as a family and become invincible just ‘cause right there and then, we would both know the world is in our hands. One day, when our kids are finally ready to be their fullest selves, we will watch our kids fall in love and eventually, we would say goodbye to them as they go on and have the family of their own. One day, one of us is going to have to go, while the other would try to hold on hopelessly in faith, but we will never ever say goodbye. One day, we will meet again while we fly across the clouds, and we will continue the life we have started from above.

But until then, here’s a photo of the start.

ashes of cigarettes

It was a lovely and breezy Wednesday night by the bay, and yet, I was beyond exhausted. It was a very raining morning, and classes got suspended. I abhor university life for being like that, but maybe, it's also for our own good - teaching us to be more responsible and hardworking in the long run.. Yeah, right. The ambiance was very cozy, and the mood was beyond enchanting. The smell of smoky Japanese food, legitimate American steak, and wine is around the air, and everything was just so ideal. I never really thought anything can go wrong until you suddenly said, "I'm going to miss this." I knew you were leaving for abroad again tomorrow, and we weren't as close as before anyway, and yet.. despite that, it only took me less than a second to realize that I feel bad - So terribly bad that I can't help but tilt my head to any other direction but yours. It's crazy how close we were before, and how strangers we are now. The depth of the comparison of our relationship just baffles me. I don't think you'll ever know how much I look up to you. How much I look up to your never ending love towards your family. The way you honor where you came from is so rare and so equisite. You're a wonderful man. I wish you didn't have to leave so soon.

Deny reality

We were in the study hall. Quietly relishing the ambiance of the study hall. We sat there as we both started to work on our final papers. I was on my 2200th word, while you were on your 200th. You would sometimes creep behind me, read quietly what I was writing, teasing me.. You know very well how conscious I would get when people would read my articles. I would playfully push you away, and would eventually do the same after some time, and you would react the same way. We just both work that way. I glanced at the screen and saw that it was 10 minutes before your time. I reminded you and for a moment, we both stopped at what we were both working on. You glanced at my laptop's monitor and said, "While we were here, you wrote 700 words, when I only wrote 300 words". I smiled. I love it when you notice things like that. You once told me how you find me amazing in writing. If you were to ask me, that would probably be the best compliment you have ever given me. I was spacing out when the noise of a chair being dragged broke my train of thoughts. You were leaving. I turned off my laptop, gathered my things, and was about to stand up when you stopped me, "You stay here, okay?". "Okay.. You tell me that when I just turned this baby off.." You chuckled. I love it when you chuckle. It's such a refreshing sound. As I turn on my laptop, you gathered your things. Before leaving, you stopped behind my chair, and surprised me by kissing me on my forehead. Forehead kisses, you rarely do that now. I was so caught off-guard when you suddenly whispered into my ear.. "Oh, and by the way, I love you, baby."

One hour. Two hours. It was one of those summer days; where in the heat was unbearable, and the summer mist leaves a sticky feel to the skin. We were standing on the hallways, waiting for your next class. One of your majors. Your majors really do give me a nervous feeling. Every. single time. It makes me feel uneasy, knowing that if there's one thing out of my control that could hurt you, it would be your majors. It's like my enemy, except that I can't do anything about it. You started walking when I suddenly felt extremely hungry. I complained. You brought me to the benches infront of the elevators. It is time. You hugged me again, and was about to leave when you suddenly stopped and asked me, "Pizza later, baby?".

. . . I was sitting infront of the elevators, by the eight floor, lost in my own world with my laptop, with Mr. Feenly, with Topanga, and with Cory. It was hot. The glare of the sunlight would then and there enter the transparent window panes of Andrew. I glanced at the clock. Two o'clock. Two hours. It feels like forever. I tapped on the keyboards of my laptop, and decided to just shut it off. I roamed around, quietly observing the people going in and out of their classrooms. I went to the washroom. Once. Twice. I sat back to where I was formerly sitting. Thrice? I was just about to lose my sanity, when you appeared by the corner. I would recognize that face anywhere. I mean, ofcourse I would recognize your face anywhere. I even dream about it all the time, but this face is something that leaves me breathless.. and scared. It is something that gives me a very cold feeling inside, leaving me vulnerable and at lost of what to do. I knew there and then that something is off.

We opted to take the stairs. We always do. We went down side by side. Sometimes, I would go ahead, and sometimes you would. You didn't even try to grab my hand. Something is definitely wrong. We reached the first floor, left the building and entered the main campus. You are still not talking. An inkling is already starting to form inside my head. God knows how much I wanted it to be wrong. To remain as a delusion. But, when you started talking, it gave me chills. Even your voice is different. I was right. And for the first time in a long while, I was lost.

We stood up, and started walking again. Now, in a more private place. Step by step, I feel so uneasy. I am lost as to what I can do. The back of my eyes are burning, and I feel like I just swallowed a huge stone that got stuck in my throat. Any minute now, I am going to explode. I stayed still, kept my voice inside me, and reprimanded myself to calm down. You sat down, and rested your head on top of the desk in front of us. I stopped, and sat beside you cautiously. I feel you shaking beside me. I removed my eyes from you, transferred it to an aurora on Earth. God knows what I've been staring at. Anything else. Just not that view. It breaks my heart. If I continue to stare at you, I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am that vulnerable when it comes to you. But, then.. I couldn't leave you alone at that state, could I? I stared at the people passing behind us, but it feels like they are so far from us. So unreachable. Beside me, you moved. I shook my head. You are the only one unreachable. I stopped, and reprimanded myself for the second time. Man it up! I moved near you, and tried to hug you, but you just moved away and removed my arms. My first initial reaction was rejected. It's been a long while since you rejected any of my hugs. The burning sensation behind my eyes went back, and flooded the lids of my eyes. The stone on my throat suddenly feels bigger, and everything turned into a blurry motion. I closed my eyes, and demanded myself to stay still. I turned my back on you, stared at the people passing by, and thought to myself how that hurt real bad.

. . . "I want to be alone", you said. Ever since we started being what we are now, you always carried this side. This side of wanting to be alone when you are at your most vulnerable state. It hurts me when you do that. A lot. More than you would ever know, and more than I could ever explain. I stayed to where I was, while you quietly took small steps away from me. I stayed, and stayed, and you came back. "What are you still doing here?", you apathetically asked. I concentrated my eyes on the motorcycles infront of me and answered, "waiting for you to be fetched". You stopped, stared at me with emotionless eyes and said, "I don't want to fight". I looked at him, and directed my eyes on the floor. I would never even think of fighting with you. Not on times like this. You of all people should know that. I would take all your hits, your blows, anything.. when it comes to times like this. "You can leave now", you said. I wanted to shout. I wanted to shout how it's so unfair. Unfair, because I never ever asked you to leave when you insists on staying. Unfair, because all I want to do is to be there. But, once again, for the nth time, I stopped myself. My phone beeped. A sign that my ride home is there. "Leave", you said. That word is slowly starting to become a mantra, hurting less and less by the second, leaving me with an empty and dark feeling inside me. I swallowed to loose up my tight throat, and closed my eyes to keep the tears. "Okay", I glanced to him and smiled. "Can I at least get a hug?", it was the only consolation I would get, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm willingly take all that I can. Without any words, you opened your arms, and I eagerly entered your embrace, wanting to feel the same warm feeling I'd feel when you would wrap your arms around me. After some time, you loosened your arms, as if signalling that it's time for me to go. I stepped away, kissed your right cheek, and walked away with one thing on my mind.

It hurts to let you go.

When you know, you know.

I was never really an enthusiast for love. I was, and partly still am, cynical and realistic in every single sense of the word. I used to believe in reasons, and logic. And even if I was never the one for science, I believed in that too, when it comes to love. Partially, maybe it's because I grew up trying to please my parents, and with that, comes the unspoken deal of staying away from relationships that could possibly harm me and my future. Or, maybe.. it can also be blamed to my somewhat unrealistic standards of guys, love, and relationships. It didn't matter then.. I used to be the girl who didn't really give a care about boyfriends, certain dates, and relationships. I was more of someone with a clear mind who can give you a non-biased, quick judgement on what to do and what not to do when it comes to relationships. Infact, as silly as it seems, some of my friends would even call me their "doctor love". Ironic, isn't it? Someone who's never had a single relationship in her whole life being called doctor love? The irony.

But, anyway, just like how the cliche saying goes, when love hits you, it hits you. It doesn't matter how long it takes, what matters is it does. And when it does, boy, you're in for a very long ride of never ending inner turmoils, a lot of insecurities, throat wrenching emotions and a lot of things that you would've never thought you'd go through. Or atleast, that's how it feels like to me. And with this, I would like to quote Maroon 5 with their "It's not always rainbows and butterflies, It's compromise that moves us all along", because it's true. In every single sense of the phrase. I used to think that nothing can go wrong in relationships. That every single thing will just fall into place, that it's all sweet, and fun, and fairytale-ish and that love will sustain everything. But from what I have learned so far (and from what I'm still learning up to date) is that it's not. It requires a lot of work. A lot of compromise. A lot of understanding, patience, and time. It's not just the happy dates, the company or the sweet nothings. What makes a relationship, atleast for me, are the fights, the walkouts, the hurting each other part, and the forgiving each other part right after. And with those forgiveness, comes a new perspective and a deeper sense of love and understanding for one another.

Relationships are seriously tiring, but just like how the cliche saying goes, It's worth it. For every walkouts, every harsh words that no one really ever means, every fights, comes a deeper meaning for every hugs, every kisses and every I love yous. And in the end, that's what really matters. Someone who would still be willing to hold you after every single thing. Someone who'd be willing to work with you through all the negatives and work his way with you through the positive. And, I guess.. for me, that's love.

- - -

"Happy Valetines. I hope this makes you smile. :D I'm forever yours." Sweetest boy is the sweetest, still. :-)
I was a bit shy and hungry..
He brought me out to dinner at the Racks. =P~ Steak + Apple pie ala mode + Viceni Alba = Happy, happy night ♥
The BFFL :D * Also, I got that shirt for him when I went to BK. Heehee :D
My valentines gift. I had it printed, then framed. It took me a while seeing that I'm sort of O.C. when it comes to my artworks, but still.. I'm satisfied with the outcome. :D Anyway, he got me a pair of shoes that I absolutely adore. I think I'm becoming more of a shoe person because of him. Ha ha. He got me shoes for my birthday as well. :D Not that I'm complaining.. He's got a good taste. :D
Happiest Valentines, everyone! ♡