Tonight

Sometimes, people surprise you in a way you'd never expect to hurt.

I've been stalling myself for days since I have no idea how to write this entry without giving away too much, but since I swore to myself I'd keep track of any life changing moments, may it be wonderful or horrendous, I'm going to try my hardest.

I don't often give my trust to people. It's a fact. It's not because I often believe that people are terrible human beings, and I like seeing the bad; It's simply because I am probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet in this entire universe, though this is still subject to further research, I certainly feel like it. This isn't something I'm proud of, but since then, I've been trying my best to change -- And I did, for quite some time. Though it took months, years even to gain my trust, there it is. I knew it was there. For some time, I was really happy too, knowing that I finally have someone to lean on through the good and the bad. It was such an amazing and rewarding feeling -- Having to feel like I have someone on my side, against the world, no matter what. To me, having someone on that sense was the highest form of intimacy. It was THAT sacred to me, and I lived with it. No. I lived for it. Everything I do, I did for that relationship. I was that happy to the point that I even decided it's okay to put everything aside and to just lay my world on that person's hands. I gave that much. I trusted that much. I loved that much.

Ultimately, in the end (if you even consider this the end), everything just slapped back at me. All the love I had given, all the love I had to give, and all the love I was willing to give - all of it, down the drain. I was destroyed. I mean, how can you say that you love a person when you're consciously destroying them behind their back? I am out of words. All I can say is that I've never ever hurt as much as I'm hurting now.