The little things

Life has been fun. So fun, that sometimes.. I just want to stop and just relish the feeling of being alive. Just when I thought that everything has been too much from what I really deserve, here comes something that will lift me up, make me smile and erase everything that needed to be erased and, till then.. what's left are those memories. Memories that doesn't make me feel the pain but, memories that makes me feel the lesson learned.

Sometimes, it feels like the world has gone against me. It feels so bad that I feel like drowning inside a pool of nothing but self-pity. Sometimes, I feel like everyone has decided to turn their backs on me that it feels like I don't deserve them any single bit. But then.. there are also times when I'm just about to give up when I feel like fighting, just for one more round. And during that one more round, I remember. I remember those flashbacks. Flashbacks with my family, flashbacks with my friends, flashbacks on those moments - those moments that once made me feel alive.

That's when I realized.. No. It doesn't matter if I win or not, what matters most is that the pain is gained. I got lost but I was found. The real deal isn't created to smash me into pieces, It was created to wake me up from the nightmares that I wasn't even aware that I have. It made me see. It made me feel. It made me feel hope but most of all, It made me have faith. And that's what makes me a person.

I want to break free.
I want to make it ♥

I have no idea where my life is going to lead me.

Have you ever felt so down in your whole life that you feel like you're drowning but, there's no one to save you? Have you ever cried yourself to sleep just because you don't know how to stand up again? Have you ever felt so alone in your whole life that you'd die just to feel the hugs of your friends? That's what I feel or atleast.. what I felt.

Seriously, some of you thinks that those grades aren't much of a big deal. They are not for me too but, It's not about those grades. It's about how my parents feel. It's about what I feel for them. It's about the disappointment, the guilt, the bruised ego, the mock-ings and many more painfully awful things that you'd wish you'll never experience in your whole life. But, I guess this is life. We can't always be irresponsible of our actions. That's my fault. Or atleast, that was my fault. Those good stuffs has absorbed all my attention. Not that I'm blaming them.. But, atleast.. I learned my lesson.

I was talking to my brother awhile ago, while we're waiting for our mom and our sister. (And) Despite the fact that I'm really crazily envious of him (of how perfect he is to my parents, that is), I just can't help but love him more. Especially because, I see the young me in him. Young me as in the free spirited young me. And yet, He can't see that because he's also insanely crazily envious of me too. Because of that, I can't help but love him more.

Here goes our conversation:
Him: You know what?
Me: What?
Him: I hate those people who plans ahead. People who plans everything they do or what they want to do. It kills the thrill, you know?
Me: Stunned. Uhm, Yea.. Me too.
Him: So you see, I dont plan. I just go with the flow. It's better that way. I get to enjoy life more. Who cares if I get arrested for doing what I want.. Atleast I get to do it.
Me: Yea... I was reflecting. But, why will you get arrested? 
Him: I don't know.. the thing is.. this is life. Anything can happen.

Some words of wisdom from my brother, yeah? It's pretty weird hearing this from a 10 year old kid yet, it feels like the heaven has opened the clouds for me. I don't know why but, just last night.. I was thinking about what happened to myself and was planning about what to do about it then, here goes my brother.. blurting out those stuffs to me without basis. He really is an angel.

Then and there.. I realized that I have no idea where my life is going to lead me.. but, It's not the end and that, I don't care anyway.. because I have these people. I have these wonderful people who makes my life worth living.