Oh, life.

Isn't it funny how I always end up opening this page when I'm seeking refuge from something and then always ending up being at a loss for words? Or maybe, this feeling I have cannot really be expressed, nor written to the extent of my emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to put to words the things I feel. Perhaps cause I don't understand it myself or to cut this short, I just don't understand myself at all when it comes to you.

I can't seem to let you go. I don't know if I love or hate myself for it. We've been going back and forth for days now, countless of times, we even tried to break up. To me, it seems like the only constant person in my world is changing. You've become distant, and I acknowledge the fact that everything is partly my fault. You have an entirely different world now where I feel like I don't have a space at all, and if you'll ask me if it hurts? Yes, it hurts. I'm a very selfish person. I've told you countless of times how I only want you for myself. And I really love you for trying your hardest to be that, but ultimately, I know I can't blame you for not being the person in my imagination. We've gone through heaven and hell. Me with my insecurities that keep on blinding me and you with your selfless assurances that you're slowly getting tired of giving. I know I'm a hard person to be with. You always tell me how I deserve so much better now that you can't give me your all, but perhaps, I hate you and I hate myself even more for not being that deserving person you should be with.

I'm really so sick of being sad all the time, but to be honest, I just don't know how to lift myself out of this place.

Drowning

And you asked me, "What do you want me to do?" And I tell you, "Ask me to stay. Tell me you love me." But you didn't.

It's funny how everything can change in a span of six months. It's a given how we're wavering through uncharted territories, but I never, not for once, thought you'd let me swim through it alone - more or less drown by myself and not save me. It's amusing how I once thought I'd be the anchor that would keep you afloat from your passion, and for the record, I was - or at least I know for a fact that I gave it my all. After all, you were everything to me, and I thought that maybe, if I give you all my love, then you would do the same. You were never the one to leave me hanging, but things change. And it's stupid of me to assume that you would never.

It wasn't enough. It never was. In the end, there were no tears, no harsh and empty words. There was just us - back from the very beginning. You and me as strangers from an arms length with distance hopes for each other that things will turn out for the very best.

But really, who am I to stop you?

A letter to you

Hello, my dearest

It's 2:21 AM, and I'm still awake. It has always been like this lately. I know you think I keep on staying up for the reason that I'm currently on break, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. It's always at these hours, when you're sleeping, that I'm at my loneliest. I know you feel it, too - this gapping space between us. It wasn't always there at first, in fact, people surrounding us would always tell us we're inseparable. I always felt secured with you, and I guess, you felt that way too. As wrong as it was, we were each other's world - until we just weren't anymore.

I don't know what happened. I guess I could say life is happening. I know it's partly my fault for always pushing you away. I know it's not your fault that you've been thoroughly consumed by your passion. I just want you to know that I respect that. I couldn't be any more proud of you. You're finally making it, and from someone who saw you struggle from the very beginning, I'm deeply humbled by you - if only it didn't mean losing us.

We've always battled out our feelings freely from the very beginning. Like I said, it's my fault for pushing you away all the time. It's my fault for never giving you my utmost trust. I'm sorry for always blaming you for the things that are beyond your control. I'm sorry for making you feel unloved most of the time. But do you really have to pull yourself away too?

I'm unfair, I know. But it's always at 2 AM, in my dim bedroom lights, and a cup of tea on my right, when I feel the loneliest. Despite everything, I hope you know that when I think of losing you, I die a little more on the inside. The pain is unfathomable. And I'm slowly feeling that now. Maybe we'd last or maybe we won't. Maybe in a few days, weeks, or months even, we would overcome this. Or maybe we won't. Like you said, maybe someday, in a year or two, we would be back together again. Maybe I should take comfort in that. But right now, the only comfort I can ever ask for is being engulfed in you.

I'm humbled and proud of who you're becoming, but please, never ever lose me, too.

Roadtrip to nowhere

In college, it is a given fact that I can't be with my high school best friends twenty four - seven. We wanted to pursue different careers which means having lesser time for each other. This is why I always make it a point to always immediately grab the opportunity of spending time with them.

About a week ago Aressa, one of my best friends, and I were talking about LEAP (for everyone who doesn't know, LEAP is usually a day allotted for other creational activities hosted by school; thus, it usually is a free day) and since she knew I never bothered attending those activities, she asked if I wanted to go on a road trip with her. So off we went, with absolutely no plans apart from having our very much craved for Bulalo.

Our Taal volcano view while eating.

With Aressa

Since it was cold, we decided to have coffee right after lunch. However, Bag of Beans was full so we went to Starbucks right away. Imagine our surprise when we saw lots of schoolmates there! Haha.

Always a great adventure with these guys!

Afterwards, we just went around Tagaytay Highlands then went back to Manila. It was such a beautiful day, and I'm truly blessed to have such amazing friends.

Legal all around

Guess who just celebrated her 21st birthday? Well, surprisingly, it's me. As hard as it may seem to believe (and trust me, I couldn't count the number of people who mistook me as a highschool student, still), my birth certificate actually stands firm on my birth date. I couldn't believe it myself. I sure as hell don't look 21. Nevertheless, I actually feel the pressure of being 21. Law school applications, senior year in college, this, that, etc. It seems like everything big happening on my life starts at this age.

Anyway,  I celebrated my birthday at Midas, just like last year's, with my family and my Alba.

Here's my tiny birthday cake, same as last year's. Haha, I guess tradition's hard to break, huh?

This is me! See what I mean about not looking like I'm 21?

With my bestfriend, my lover, my confidante, my everything :) He has this habit of spoiling me on my birthday. Haha, a day before my birthday, he took me on a day out and spoiled me every step of the way. He calls it my Princess Day. I'm so blessed to have this boy ♥

With my loving family, of course.

When we got home, V made me open his birthday presents to me! Here's what he wrote on my birthday card.

And his presents to me! I absolutely fell in love with the bag. He claims that I never have a "big enough" bag for my traveling, and he's right! I don't really like using big backpacks until now. Even my parents think he's spoiling me. He definitely knows my taste! :)

Lol, disregard my flipflops. He made me try it on! Here's what it looks like on me!

Lastly, polaroid snaps to complete the day. Those captions were written by him. Aren't I the luckiest girl ever? ♥

So yeah, that's how my birthday went. All I can say is cheers to this. Cheers to family. Cheers to friends. Cheers to Alba. Cheers to love. And lastly, cheers to life!

An Appreciation Post

I've been trying to look for connections as to why I feel this way today. Perhaps, it's the aftershock (one week later, might I add) of losing my phone, and finding it again. Maybe, it's the unbelievably bipolar and crazy weather here in the Philippines.. Or maybe, it's the pressure of facing the unknown after college.. If I will even graduate due to all these academic stress I've been feeling lately. I'm confused and tired.. as hell. But amidst all that, you're there. You're always there.

You might find it funny, but I will never forget that day when we were riding this insanely hot car and I was kind of bitching at you, you were sweating so much, and yet, you found it in you to ask me if I'm okay. I'm probably a lot fine as compared to how you looked, but point is, you put me first. You are always there for me.. That time I lost my phone, you didn't even think about it.. you volunteered to help me buy a new phone.  That lowest point in my life when my Nanay left us, you told me that even if you were never as close to her as I was, you still love her cause she loved me, and I to her. That time when you thought you lost me, and you cried so much. That time when my favorite pair of flats got soaked in water, and you made me wear your shoes, then you gladly walked barefoot inside the mall, and dried my shoes. That time during my debut when you felt so bad cause you thought you dishonored my Dad..

You are the greatest partner, ever. No amount of shortcomings nor flaws would ever erase that. As for the connection, I don't know. I guess you are just everywhere.. in my laptop, in my room, in the clothes I wear, in my thoughts, in my heart.

Inspite of everything and because of everything, I love you even more now.

Cute Pugs, Animo Spirit and Missed Polaroid

One thing I love about college is the UAAP season. Truth be told, at first, I wasn't really much of a fan. I just really go through with it for the reason that my best friend is insanely addicted to it. He'd go ranting about it for hours, I tell you! Soon enough, because of his persistence, I became familiar with it.. The players, the game, the rivalry. It all got to me eventually. To my complete horror or amusement (I couldn't decide yet, lol), I even catch myself looking forward to the next televised game! This is if we weren't watching live.. Watching live tends to be a tedious task, though.. For the reason that scalpers buy most of the tickets.

Moving on, it's that time of the season again! Admit it. There's nothing like a good Ateneo and La Salle Rivalry. For some reasons, it's always much more intense and personal for the Blue Eagles and the Green Archers. As a Lasallian, though, as much as I love and believe on my own, I also have high regards to the Blue Eagles.. I'm pretty sure a lot of Lasallians shares the same sentiment as me. The energy, the crowd, the chants.. There's really, truly nothing like it.

So, when the opportunity came for another DLSU vs ADMU game, V and I decided for a stay in camp (for the reason that the tickets were hoarded by annoying but clever scalpers, hehe) with the most lovable pug ever right after catching Stephen Chbosky's Perks Of Being A Wallflower in the theater! Nothing like a good company while watching a good rivalry match, aye? Anyway, it was indeed a tough fight. At the start of fourth quarter, DLSU was even leading by 11 points. However, like I said, there really is nothing like a good rivalry. Ateneo's Ravena managed to catch up eventually, and man.. Catch up, he did! It may sting (a bit) that we lost, but I really believe that next year will be our year! ;)

Anyway, Sweden's photo-op!

Isn't Sweden the cutest little pug ever? 

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaaa, I'm sleepy" - Sweden

Sweden and I! Love, love, love :)

Ahhh, dying!! ❤

And lastly, polaroid shots! Can you see which polaroid fails? Lol, obviously, it's the one with the fountain. V's house boy accidentally left me out from the frame.. I'm pretty sure it's not intentional, I think.. Maybe.. Heh, kidding. 

Anyway, as you can see, half-ly, V and I were wearing our DLSU shirts while cheering for the team! For some reasons, it feels much more legit that way. Afterwards, V and I had a quick dinner at his place, then he brought me back to my place.

Lovely, lovely day.

The Big Fat Twenty

(Warning: This may be a photo heavy post)

You don't have any idea how horrifying it is to realize that in a few years, I would be paying the bills on my birthday celebrations. The horror!! I realized this yesterday, right when the waitresses of Midas Cafe sang me a very joyous rendition of the birthday song. I was internally cringing, not because I didn't appreciate it cause I did. I really did! They even gave me the yummiest cheesecake that wasn't a part of their buffet line up. Back to the topic, I was internally cringing because of the attention. Imagine the hotel being cozy - what with the quiet ambiance and all.. Politicians were having their coffee meetings, and some other private people were enjoying their 'relax' time, when all of a sudden, this loud music overwhelmed the floor and the waitresses cramped up to our table!! Shock would be an under-statement. I avoided restaurant places for a reason. Horrifying, but nevertheless, it warmed my heart. A girl only turns 20 once, right?

Moving on, just like what I have mentioned earlier, In a few years.. I'll be shouldering my own birthday expenses!!!!! Cue exclamations!!!! The horror! I can't possibly be dependent on my parents for my entire life. I have to start somewhere. So with this entry comes the things I have to achieve or I would love to be by the time I'm done with this decade.

1. To graduate as an Entrepreneurial student as soon as possible in DLSU.
2. To finish Law and pass the Bar exam.
3. To roam around the world with my family, and to go to different places with Alba and my girls like planned.
4. To take Masters abroad (Maybe yes, maybe no. No promises.)
5. Give back to my parents all the love and sacrifice.
6. To be happily married with Alba (Too cheesy? Hehe)

That's it. Cheers to direction!! Anyway, my twentieth birthday celebration was probably one of the most fun birthdays I've ever celebrated. But then, I told myself the same thing a year ago, so.. The point would be funny (yes, there is such phrase). I spent the morning bumming around the house since I didn't have classes. I meditated and meditated, until I fell asleep.. and dreamed beautiful dreams.. Okay, maybe not. Alba came over and he made me open his birthday present to me infront of my parents. What a bad idea that was!!!! I almost jumped on him out of glee and pure bliss! His birthday present to me was, hands down, one of the best birthday presents I've ever received!! Plus, I know for a fact that he worked really hard for my present. That boy seriously knows the way to my heart. :-) Thinking of it now still makes me smile. And by smile, I meant the biggest no-poise smile!!!

This made me smile heaps!! We have this thing about packaging. Whenever I'd give him a present, it's always properly and beautifully wrapped. :-)
And tadahhh!! A Choco Fuji Instax Mini 7s!! ♥♥♥

So there you have it! Who wouldn't squeel, right? I was so happy, I didn't even realize that I shouted! Haha. My mom even got curious cause I couldn't contain my happiness. When I asked him why he got me a Polaroid camera, he told me that we watched this movie a long time ago, and the one of lead character kept on using her camera, and according to him, I kept on gushing about how awesome it is. Haha. Wow. I can't believe he remembers those things, but apparently, he does! :-) Anyway, afterwards, V and I figured out the manuals, then we headed to Midas Hotel for my birthday dinner with the family.

With my Five years late nerdy twin :-) I love him so much, I force him to let me sleep in his room whenever I'm scared! Hehe, kidding. But seriously. Despite his occasional tantrums, I couldn't ask for a better brother.
This is when the people from Midas surprised me. Hehe. Look at me intently staring at my cake. It's a love affair!! ♥
My birthday cake :-) Hehe. A+ for the presentation!! Too bad we didn't get to finish it. We were all too full from the buffet!
Family photo :-) Hehe, love love love these people to bits. ♥
We abused Alba's birthday gift to me :-) Yay for polaroids!! (And btw, yes. I was just casually wearing a sweater.. Hehe.)
Another polaroid :-) I wanted to show my mom and dad how it works so we had a picture taken using my newest baby love :-)
Mom, Alba, and the birthday girl!! Hehe. I'm so happy my mom totally adores Alba. What's not to adore, anyway?
Look who we bumped into!! My gorgeous friend Chum :-)
With my siblings! Hehe. I love how despite everything, we can still be sweet and mushy to each other. :-)
My boy proudly posing with his birthday gift to me. ♥
And ofcourse, me!! Love love my new toy :-)
You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this. ♥♥♥

After my birthday dinner, we then headed home. The car trip home was intensely funny and sweet. We were all reminiscing stories from our childhood and telling them to V, while V was holding my hand. I loved it. It was one of those moments when I realized that all I have and treasure in this life is right within my grasp. I was so happy.. No. Happy is an understatement. It was blissful. When we got home, V, my mom, and I had small talks that warmed my heart, then V went home.

If this is what being twenty would always feel like, I'd gladly take it. So cheers to me for being twenty. Cheers to my God for always being amazing to me. Cheers to my mom for giving birth to me, and to my dad for never failing to provide me with my wants and needs. Cheers to siblings who would always have my back. Cheers to my best friend who loves me unconditionally.

And lastly, cheers to life, love, happiness, and being twenty.

A short letter

Dear you.

Sometimes, God has a damn funny way of showing His love for us.

It was just a usual day when I got a text that changes almost everything. You see, in our relationship, you have always been the bigger man. You stand tall everyday despite all my petty whims and demands. You would always put your pride aside - No, scratch that. When it comes to me, you have no pride at all. You love me unselfishly with no ifs and no buts. While I, on the other hand, am full of insecurities, anger, envy.

And now, you're calling me your beauty queen.

I loathe you so much, you make me cry. It's so usual for me to only feel extremely much for you whenever you are at your lowest. I'm terrible - I know. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this, baby. You don't deserve all these things happening around you. I wish, once and for all, I can show you how much I love you. I wish I can be the one taking the hits, and not you. I wish you would still have the chance to achieve your dreams. But even so, you'd be amazing in everything else. You speak words, full of sense and intelligence. You interpret things with a unique dab of perspective.. And for the lack of better words, you are amazing.

On behalf of this sad world we live in, I'm so sorry. In the same way that I'm terribly sorry for constantly taking you for granted.

I may not always show you, but I assure you, at times like this.. You will always have me.

Love always,

Your legit beauty queen.

Break downs and smiles

Hello. It's been a while since I have written in here. I have no other excuse, except the usual: I can barely keep up with my life. Earlier today, I was looking back at this blog. It's insane. I felt so immature, so mature, so sad, and so happy in an instance. I was in second year high school when I started this blog. Back then, everything was so easy, simple.. peaceful, even. Looking back, I was so sheltered. I wasn't stressed out with school, with my introversion, with my insecurities, with my boy -- well, any boy actually. Everything came in a silver spoon. I was happy and satisfied. Looking back, I'm just realizing now how much I loved my life back then. It was bliss - No complications, just in peace with my self.

 .. And then, that certain phase of my life had to end. I have to grow up, even if it means leaving my former sheltered life behind - especially that. When college started, I was, honestly, the naive little girl who didn't know what to do. I was in a block with people that I cannot, for the life me, truly relate with. Back in high school, I honestly thought my social skills weren't that good, but it wasn't THAT bad either. In college, I have never felt lonelier, despite the friendships I have built in my block. It's like I was forcing myself to something that just doesn't truly match with myself. Don't get me wrong - My block isn't that bad. I have learned to be civil with most of them, and even though I was included in this 'clique', I still didn't feel at home. Never mind that we had all of our breaks together. Never mind that we plan everything together. It's just really different. It's just not home.

 Then, there's Alba. This part honestly makes me speechless, but since I want to remember us forever, I will try to write it down. Alba and I met when we were in high school. He was my classmate at the time I created this blog, but lo and behold, I never mentioned him here. The truth is, I hated him back then. He was that type of person I would try my very hardest to avoid. I know, for a fact, that he wasn't that bad. People, well girls.. actually loved him back then. But for some reasons, he was so horrible to me, I had to use redundant phrases. Anyway, after Sophomore year, I never really thought about him - well, minus the occasional hallway bumps. He was dating this girl back then, and I truly, swear to God, didn't care about him. He was just this nuisance, along with the girl he was dating back then, at the hallway my friends and I would want to push out. Then, senior year came. You know those moments when you really felt like your whole life changed? Well, that was my moment. Senior year - I made a deal with myself to just be good. After all, it was my last year in high school.. What can go wrong, right? Senior year started out fine. I didn't even care that I was classmates with Alba. There were fist bumps, hi and hellos.. To sum it short, eventually, I realized he wasn't that bad. He was actually kind of nice. I didn't really think much about it until our class retreat. He would constantly pick on me - for the lack of proper words - in a sweet way. Knowing his reputation, though, I stayed away. However, all through out the year, Alba and I got closer. For some weird reasons, he gave me a dog tag necklace during our Christmas party with an explanation that I own too much bracelets, and he hoped that I would remember him whenever I'd use my dog tag. That did it. What was happening? I was confused, happy, weirded out.. excited even. He would message me almost every night, and we'd talk about anything like crazy. He became my confidant and my best friend about almost everything - except the thing going on between the two of us. It went on like that for a while until the love month came. That's when he explained everything to me. I was confused at first, but the more I think about it - The more it made sense. I was insanely in like with him. He was my first love. He gave me memories that I know, for a fact, I will always remember.

 College came for the both of us. At first, we were both unsure as to how we were going to place ourselves, but we went on, and on, and on, and on. I chose to stay with him rather than my block mates, and just like what he said, we faced college together as partners. He was, and still is, the best decision I have ever made. Alba taught me so many things. He gave me so many memories - horrible and beautiful. He is my rock, and the light that would always guide me through. He is that one person it would kill me to lose. And yes, despite the fights, here we are - still. Arguing as always, but never been this in love. Someday, I really pray that I'll end up with him, and build the dreams we've both thought about together.

This goes to you, my love

One day, we will nervously carry our luggage, hop on a blessed plane, and fly to a foreign country. One day, we will get lost on the streets of Spain, play with the extinct animals in Africa, watch the Niagara falls in Toronto, swim with the dolphins in the Philippines, walk around in New York, see the beautiful lights in Tokyo, and have the most scrumptious meal in Italy. One day, we will receive numerous wedding invitations from our close friends, give endless wedding speeches, buy tons of wedding presents before it will be our turn to host our own. One day, we won’t be each other’s tickle frenemy anymore, as we will pass the sweet torture to our cute babies while we watch them giggle to tears. One day, we will march up the stage with silly grins and proud faces, not for ourselves, but for our intelligent kids. One day, as we argue about the places we will travel, we will pin up a map on a random place in our room, and we will play darts with our kids. One day, we will roam around the world as a family and become invincible just ‘cause right there and then, we would both know the world is in our hands. One day, when our kids are finally ready to be their fullest selves, we will watch our kids fall in love and eventually, we would say goodbye to them as they go on and have the family of their own. One day, one of us is going to have to go, while the other would try to hold on hopelessly in faith, but we will never ever say goodbye. One day, we will meet again while we fly across the clouds, and we will continue the life we have started from above.

But until then, here’s a photo of the start.

Travel diary: Hong Kong Day 1

November 2

The trip was a very beautiful blessing for us. We were all tired and pressured from each of our every day lives, so as a breather, my mother decided to book us a ticket to Hongkong in time for the long break declared by the palace.

Since Alba was also in Hong Kong, he fetched me from Metro Park hotel (Kowloon), and we strolled, together with Angelo and Tito "Pari", along the roads of Nathan until Harbour City to meet up with his family.

What a lovely day.