Six months and ten days later

"Melda! Aimee, Lea, Jejo!! Lea!!!"


In my old household, that's one phrase you'd hear quite a lot. Every single day, actually. It's funny. You'd think living with the same people for over twenty years would actually mean that the names of said people would forever be embedded on one's heart. Well, forever until old age creeps to one. So, before anything else, let me all tell you how hard this is for me. Hard in a sense that I don't have any single idea what to write, but it seems that I feel each and every emotion there is to feel about this. They say once you start writing, words just come to you. Well, not in this case.


Everyone, meet my Nanay. Ever since I was born, I have lived with her. I have shared my first bath, first meal, first step, first word, and many more uncountable other firsts with her. She was my yaya's matrona, our household's greatest cook ever, and the stingiest person I have ever known. Relatively speaking though.. She was my Grandmom, and she loved us all with all her heart.


It was during the World War II when my Grandmom and my Grandfather met. My Grandmom was one of the many people who tried her hardest to avoid the bad, and to save the good. And well, just like in every cliched love story, one of the good was my Grandfather. My Grandmom had saved her future husband and tended to his wounds. It wasn't that long until they fell in love with each other, and decided to get married just after the war finished. Together, my Grandmom and Grandfather had seven children together with their names starting from Amparo (My Grandmom), Benedicto (My Grandfather), Carmencita, Daniel, Enriquito, Florencito, Gavellana, Heidi, and Imelda (My Mother). I know what you're thinking. Although it is kind of funny, don't laugh. It's actually pretty clever for me. Anyway, have I mentioned they married when my Grandfather was just 17, and my Grandmom was 19? Wild right? But apparently, that's how it was back then. So as a young couple, one of the many crisis they overcame as a family was when my Grandmom had to sew thousands of clothes just so she can send my Grandfather to college. Imagine a teenage mom working on thousands of clothes to sew for the rich while she's tending on her kids and sending her husband to school. Hard? Well, repeat that six more times - Three of which (including my Grandfather and my mother) finished and passed the Board exam thus the CPA title, one finished Medicine and now owns of the biggest hospital in Washington, while the rest finished their degree in the University of The Philippines and got their Masterals abroad.  Imagine.. All that from a single, bony, stingy lady I call my Nanay? She was a superwoman.


Years later, my siblings and I entered her life. While my parents were building their own careers, my siblings and I were stuck under my Grandmom's care. Through those years, my siblings and I have created a special bond with our Grandmom not even our aunt and aunties have. Though it pains me so much sometimes, I remember a lot. I remember playing horse with her beloved sofa, and you know what she'd do? She'd just let the annoying little me be. She'd always prefer us to stay inside rather than to go out. She had the patience of a god. I remember arguing with her every day for the whole summer of my middle school life, just because I didn't want to take my afternoon naps. She'd get mad at me then, but would eventually get me to sleep anyway. I remember running away from her whenever she'd scare us with her ever so famous baseball bat when my siblings and I would do something so incredibly foolish but amazing for a ten year old. I remember going to the wet market with her, and how she'd ask for a special discount price cause she's a (*quote*) valued customer (*unquote*) . I remember her chasing after and eventually shouting at my old fat bus driver, just cause he'd always make me sit on something hot.. which eventually got me confined in the hospital. I remember her making me drink all of her teas on one local family trip just cause my stomach was all upset. I remember her giving me an exact Php 1000 bill so that I can go shopping before my flight to Vancouver, Canada. I remember her giving my siblings and I twenty bucks everyday for school in addition to what my parents give us. I remember her cooking all of my favorite food whenever I'm sick. I remember her holding my hand and staring at me intently.. Not talking, but just staring.. As if she can't believe I grew up to be the girl I am today. And though it hurts, I feel the need to tell you that that was the last time I saw her warm and alive. Most importantly, I remember her telling my siblings and I how much she loves us.. Perhaps not everyday, but on special occasions and once every quarter moon.


I'd describe her now as something, but I feel like every single word that comes to me right now doesn't really compensate to what she was. How exactly do you regard someone whom you'd never thought you'd lose? I know everyone dies, but to her, it never came to me that one day, she'd pass away. Though it hurts so much that she's gone, I know that I will always carry her with me. So here I am.. Six months and ten days later.. Trying to type all these jumbled thoughts in my head. I thought as time passes by, everything becomes easier. But what I have come to realize is that pain doesn't really go away.. We just learn to live with it. Up to this day, whenever I'd think of her, I feel as if she's still alive somewhere. Somewhere, but alive. And in a way, I know it's true. She's alive up there guarding over all of us.


I still can't find all the right words to say now, but I'll leave it to this: Thank you for everything, Nanay. I love you always. 

Thoughts of a Bookworm

(While waiting for her mom's confirmation for her Kindle Touch...)

• Why aren't you replying yet?!!!! Please reply asap!! This is a matter of life and death!!!
• I need an inhaler!! I CANNOT breathe!!! My heart!!!
• TEARS......... OF JOY!!!

Not everybody close to me knows how much I love reading. Maybe it's because of my self-confessed ~"Jeje"~ past (which you can find on my Friendster.. if that site still exists), my xanga blogs (So help me, Lord. I know I deleted ALL of it!!!) and/or maybe, it's just because of my laziness to everything that doesn't include or is not related to reading. Ever since I was a kid, I loved reading. I remember sneaking in all those Hardy Boy series my uncles and aunties abroad would send me. Encyclopedias, back when Wikipedia was still a baby internet fetus, would always fascinate me. I loved book sales and book bazaars so much, my parents had to drag me out (sometimes or maybe most of the time, okay). I loved smelling that certain smell of new books.. and old books too! I loved reading romance, thriller, action, horror, erotica (lol joke), and other genres. I have always loved using my imagination, too. For me, there is nothing like a book worm's kind of smart. Nothing, I tell you. The sarcasm, the idiomatic expressions, the metaphors, the grammar.. It is a lifestyle.

I guess, this is partly why I can understand and speak English eloquently. Well, maybe not as eloquent as others, but surely.. I know the difference between your and you're. I also know that eating is spelled with a single T (Yes, I have a friend *gasp* who spells eating with two Ts, and yes *another gasp* she graduated highschool) and that there is no such thing as stuffs since stuff is already plural. Forgive me for the sudden grammar lecture, but humor me. Hehe. :-) I really believe that I owe it all to reading books - My knowledge when it comes to grammar, my perspective on things, my way with language. If it weren't for books, I don't know who or what I'd be today.

So thank you, books. Thank you for the knowledge! You don't have any idea how happy I am to finally have a kindle touch so that my imagination can have endless trips to basically everywhere you'd take me. And despite the fact that I already have an electronic book, do not fret, my dear. I promise to always and forever support the printed words!! I love you, and thank you. ♥

(Yes, I just talked to my books.. Hehe)

The Big Fat Twenty

(Warning: This may be a photo heavy post)

You don't have any idea how horrifying it is to realize that in a few years, I would be paying the bills on my birthday celebrations. The horror!! I realized this yesterday, right when the waitresses of Midas Cafe sang me a very joyous rendition of the birthday song. I was internally cringing, not because I didn't appreciate it cause I did. I really did! They even gave me the yummiest cheesecake that wasn't a part of their buffet line up. Back to the topic, I was internally cringing because of the attention. Imagine the hotel being cozy - what with the quiet ambiance and all.. Politicians were having their coffee meetings, and some other private people were enjoying their 'relax' time, when all of a sudden, this loud music overwhelmed the floor and the waitresses cramped up to our table!! Shock would be an under-statement. I avoided restaurant places for a reason. Horrifying, but nevertheless, it warmed my heart. A girl only turns 20 once, right?

Moving on, just like what I have mentioned earlier, In a few years.. I'll be shouldering my own birthday expenses!!!!! Cue exclamations!!!! The horror! I can't possibly be dependent on my parents for my entire life. I have to start somewhere. So with this entry comes the things I have to achieve or I would love to be by the time I'm done with this decade.

1. To graduate as an Entrepreneurial student as soon as possible in DLSU.
2. To finish Law and pass the Bar exam.
3. To roam around the world with my family, and to go to different places with Alba and my girls like planned.
4. To take Masters abroad (Maybe yes, maybe no. No promises.)
5. Give back to my parents all the love and sacrifice.
6. To be happily married with Alba (Too cheesy? Hehe)

That's it. Cheers to direction!! Anyway, my twentieth birthday celebration was probably one of the most fun birthdays I've ever celebrated. But then, I told myself the same thing a year ago, so.. The point would be funny (yes, there is such phrase). I spent the morning bumming around the house since I didn't have classes. I meditated and meditated, until I fell asleep.. and dreamed beautiful dreams.. Okay, maybe not. Alba came over and he made me open his birthday present to me infront of my parents. What a bad idea that was!!!! I almost jumped on him out of glee and pure bliss! His birthday present to me was, hands down, one of the best birthday presents I've ever received!! Plus, I know for a fact that he worked really hard for my present. That boy seriously knows the way to my heart. :-) Thinking of it now still makes me smile. And by smile, I meant the biggest no-poise smile!!!

This made me smile heaps!! We have this thing about packaging. Whenever I'd give him a present, it's always properly and beautifully wrapped. :-)
And tadahhh!! A Choco Fuji Instax Mini 7s!! ♥♥♥

So there you have it! Who wouldn't squeel, right? I was so happy, I didn't even realize that I shouted! Haha. My mom even got curious cause I couldn't contain my happiness. When I asked him why he got me a Polaroid camera, he told me that we watched this movie a long time ago, and the one of lead character kept on using her camera, and according to him, I kept on gushing about how awesome it is. Haha. Wow. I can't believe he remembers those things, but apparently, he does! :-) Anyway, afterwards, V and I figured out the manuals, then we headed to Midas Hotel for my birthday dinner with the family.

With my Five years late nerdy twin :-) I love him so much, I force him to let me sleep in his room whenever I'm scared! Hehe, kidding. But seriously. Despite his occasional tantrums, I couldn't ask for a better brother.
This is when the people from Midas surprised me. Hehe. Look at me intently staring at my cake. It's a love affair!! ♥
My birthday cake :-) Hehe. A+ for the presentation!! Too bad we didn't get to finish it. We were all too full from the buffet!
Family photo :-) Hehe, love love love these people to bits. ♥
We abused Alba's birthday gift to me :-) Yay for polaroids!! (And btw, yes. I was just casually wearing a sweater.. Hehe.)
Another polaroid :-) I wanted to show my mom and dad how it works so we had a picture taken using my newest baby love :-)
Mom, Alba, and the birthday girl!! Hehe. I'm so happy my mom totally adores Alba. What's not to adore, anyway?
Look who we bumped into!! My gorgeous friend Chum :-)
With my siblings! Hehe. I love how despite everything, we can still be sweet and mushy to each other. :-)
My boy proudly posing with his birthday gift to me. ♥
And ofcourse, me!! Love love my new toy :-)
You know I'll be your life, your voice, your reason to be. My love, my heart is breathing for this. ♥♥♥

After my birthday dinner, we then headed home. The car trip home was intensely funny and sweet. We were all reminiscing stories from our childhood and telling them to V, while V was holding my hand. I loved it. It was one of those moments when I realized that all I have and treasure in this life is right within my grasp. I was so happy.. No. Happy is an understatement. It was blissful. When we got home, V, my mom, and I had small talks that warmed my heart, then V went home.

If this is what being twenty would always feel like, I'd gladly take it. So cheers to me for being twenty. Cheers to my God for always being amazing to me. Cheers to my mom for giving birth to me, and to my dad for never failing to provide me with my wants and needs. Cheers to siblings who would always have my back. Cheers to my best friend who loves me unconditionally.

And lastly, cheers to life, love, happiness, and being twenty.

Twenty blues and what nots

In exactly four days, my teenage years will be gone and the scary, more responsible twos will mark the start of my supposedly adulthood. Scary?

When I was younger, I have always envisioned myself as the girl who'd change the world. I had a lot of things planned out - Take accountancy for college, study law after, and if God forbids, live abroad for my masters. I know, it's all easier said than done, but I was really focused. I have always prided myself on being disciplined and strong willed. It was my dreams, I shall achieve it one way or another. It wasn't until I got to college when I realized that some plans aren't meant to be pursued. I took Entrepreneurship instead of Accounting - which I never ever regret, might I add. I realized that I only wanted to take Accounting in the first place to appease my Mom. I'm glad to know, though, that no matter what I pursue, she'd always support and have my back. She understood. My mom is one of a kind like that. In about a year or two, I would graduate from College. What lies next on my plans would be to study Law. Though I didn't take up Accounting like planned, my head is still fully decided when it comes to Law. Law will be my salvation. It would be my pride and my way of honoring my parents.

They deserve that much.

I see.

It's not often that I feel so strong about an advocacy. I'm not going to lie - I was raised up with my parents providing every single thing I need. I am always in my comfort zone, and I never had to experience the real challenge that is out there. It wasn't until I reached my fourth year in high school, when I started to see the world in a different perspective. I am no saint, but I am no devil either. I have a heart that is meant to be compassionate and to love. I celebrated my 17th birthday with the kids of an orphanage my sister and I sponsored through the help of my parents. For some reasons, knowing that I have touched the lives of others makes my heart swell with so much joy and contentment. I thought, back then, I at least made a very tiny impact on the society. Perhaps. Maybe. When I got into college, I became more and more exposed with the world. I started to understand global issues - Issues that kill people, and steal from people. I walk around, and I see people on the floor, begging for his right to live. I see big companies violating labor laws, and stealing even more from the oppressed. I see discrimination, and massacres everywhere. Each passing day, I see the poor become even poorer, and the rich even richer. I see chaos, death, and blindness.

But, no.. As odd as this sounds, I believe in society. I believe in goodness of humanity - And that if one can only see clearly, then it would be the first step to change.

I see the world in a much better condition. I see a just distribution of the the world's resources to the people. I see the youth in classrooms with hope and a thirst for knowledge going through their veins. I see the government serving the people through real democracy. I see nature always more beautiful than ever. I see three meals a day, most especially for the malnourished kids around the world. I see countries building each other, instead of bullying. I see refugees being safe and sheltered. I see a society full of concern and love for one another - Because, let's face it.. If we don't have one another, what do we have?

I see spirit. I see hope. I see dreams. I see change.

Deep skies

The deployment in MYRC was such an eye-opener to me. I'm not going to lie, I dreaded the deployment before hand, but when I was at the actual exposure, I found myself being amazed and entertained by the youths in the center. The first thing we did was the introduction. During the introduction, the youths in conflict with the law were tasked to state their name, a little information about their family, their crime as to why they're being kept in MYRC, and a special talent. Every time someone would state their crime, I'd inwardly cringe and wonder to myself what lead these kids to commit those crimes at such a young age. After the introduction, we played, we danced, and we interacted for a while, before we had this circle session divided into two. At first, I was actually just waiting for the dismissal, and thought to myself how time seems to be so slow in MYRC. However, when I got to talk to some of the youth boys, I found myself having fun with the conversation. What I realized is that how their crimes seem to be so normal for them. I wouldn't say they are proud to the things that they have committed, but they aren't exactly embarrassed about it either. With this, I late noticed how they seem to not know the things that they were doing. I wouldn't say that they didn't know that they were killing somebody at that time, but the fact that they're really young when they did the offenses, and most of them weren't exactly raised in proper guidance and nurture by their parents, I would say that those youths didn't know then how wrong their actions were. The next thing I noticed upon listening to their stories is how they're kids who just made the wrong choices. Granted – Everybody makes mistakes, but theirs is something that they can't turn their backs on anymore. These kids are actually the ones really misinterpreted badly by the society. As I said earlier, growing up, they didn't have the proper guidance, so in effect, they didn't exactly make the ideal decisions either. While one decided to follow his cousin's action and murder two people, one stole an earring because that's what his group of friends do. In other words, some of these kids made the wrong decision to just associate themselves with a wrong choice of friends because they seem to lack the sense of belongingness that should have been felt in the family. Aside from this, I also learned that there are two directions that they would go to once they're done with MYRC – Either the judge would sentence them to the city jail along with the adults, or they would be set free to the real world. While some, due to the degree of their crimes, would unfortunately be surely sent to jail, some had chances. To this, asked some of them as to how they plan to direct their lives at the outside world, and to my surprise, they told me – without a beat – that they want to finish school, as hard as it may seem, and to get a decent paying job that would allow them to support themselves and their families.

After the exposure, I made it a point to talk to my father who also happens to be a lawyer. I told him some of the offenses that the boys made, and he told me the possibilities as to how their hearings would go. It really broke my heart to hear that some would mostly go to jail, like what I said earlier, I believe with all of me that the boys there are really just kids who seemed to lost direction, and who seemed to have made the wrong choices. It's really unfortunate that no matter how bad they want to change their lives now, they will be tied forever to a place that would probably further damaged them on the inside. But for the others, however, who still had a chance to make things right.. I'm really praying my hardest for them. Someday, when I reach my dreams of being a lawyer, I promise to go back to MYRC, and help the youth direct their lives with all my heart.

Remember, chew like you have a secret.

It's raining really hard right now. I have a cup of green tea on my left hand, and the unnerving feeling of loneliness on my right. It's not a hidden fact that I've always opted a small group of friends. I wasn't a loner, but if I have to choose between that or being the center of attention, I'd shy myself away and turn my back instantly. Even if I came from a school with the 'friendly' reputation, it still didn't armor me for the life that is college. In college, I met tons of people - some people, I've hit with almost instantly, while some.. let's just say things didn't really end up well for us. To be honest, I never really had any regrets giving up most of my college friends with V. I'd probably be in a wilder place, if I had joined them. Not that they're terrible people 'cause they aren't. They're probably the most active, known, and wildest bunch in the crowd. Still, most of them just.. doesn't really suit me. But even so, there are times when I can't help but feel terrible whenever I'd remember the transition phase. They would always message me, invite me, reach me out even when I clearly didn't want to be reached. It wasn't until everything was too late when I realized that I do in fact miss them. By the time, they're all far away and our lives are just even farther now.

On nights like these, I have never felt lonelier. Don't get me wrong though.. It's not that I need them, it's just that I miss them.. Really, really, really do miss them, but they will probably never know that. I'm good at letting people leave, anyway. Why stop now?

Good morning issues

Today is Sunday. Sundays usually mean Church and family day to me. I woke up with the intention of taking a shower, dressing up, and heading to Church. Well, everything went well according to my routine except one thing.. My dad called me fat. Fat? Big? Humongous? Maybe, he was kidding. After all, he said it with a laughing face.. And I was practically wearing a loose top and sweats. The first initial thought that came into my mind was: Okay. With all honesty, I have never been called fat before, but lately, I've grown to become conscious about my body since I've been hearing it kind of frequent. No. Don't get me wrong. They don't tell it to my face.. well, aside from my Auntie who so kindly (sarcasm) pointed it out in front of basically everyone. People would tell me I gained weight.. At first, I was insulted.. But then, I realized that I was even more insulted with myself when I think about how insulted I felt. Ironic? Doesn't make sense? I don't know.

Honest question: What's wrong with being fat? I know for once that I am not really that fat. I just gained from the usual petite self that I was in High School. I still fit into all of my clothes, and I am very healthy. But, seriously.. is being fat the worst thing that can ever happen to a person? What's so wrong about it? Is looking good into a bikini everything in this world? My answer is: No. No, it's not. I guess, partly, we somehow have the media to blame for this - Their odd projection of being perfect, skinny, and flawless. Is that all there is to life? Being perfect? I'd like to believe not. I have never aspired to be perfect. I am me - flaws and all. And honestly, the day that I will embrace this sick, psychotic thinking of society, would be the day I'll lose respect for myself.

I like having a little weight.

Suck it up, society.

Break downs and smiles

Hello. It's been a while since I have written in here. I have no other excuse, except the usual: I can barely keep up with my life. Earlier today, I was looking back at this blog. It's insane. I felt so immature, so mature, so sad, and so happy in an instance. I was in second year high school when I started this blog. Back then, everything was so easy, simple.. peaceful, even. Looking back, I was so sheltered. I wasn't stressed out with school, with my introversion, with my insecurities, with my boy -- well, any boy actually. Everything came in a silver spoon. I was happy and satisfied. Looking back, I'm just realizing now how much I loved my life back then. It was bliss - No complications, just in peace with my self.

 .. And then, that certain phase of my life had to end. I have to grow up, even if it means leaving my former sheltered life behind - especially that. When college started, I was, honestly, the naive little girl who didn't know what to do. I was in a block with people that I cannot, for the life me, truly relate with. Back in high school, I honestly thought my social skills weren't that good, but it wasn't THAT bad either. In college, I have never felt lonelier, despite the friendships I have built in my block. It's like I was forcing myself to something that just doesn't truly match with myself. Don't get me wrong - My block isn't that bad. I have learned to be civil with most of them, and even though I was included in this 'clique', I still didn't feel at home. Never mind that we had all of our breaks together. Never mind that we plan everything together. It's just really different. It's just not home.

 Then, there's Alba. This part honestly makes me speechless, but since I want to remember us forever, I will try to write it down. Alba and I met when we were in high school. He was my classmate at the time I created this blog, but lo and behold, I never mentioned him here. The truth is, I hated him back then. He was that type of person I would try my very hardest to avoid. I know, for a fact, that he wasn't that bad. People, well girls.. actually loved him back then. But for some reasons, he was so horrible to me, I had to use redundant phrases. Anyway, after Sophomore year, I never really thought about him - well, minus the occasional hallway bumps. He was dating this girl back then, and I truly, swear to God, didn't care about him. He was just this nuisance, along with the girl he was dating back then, at the hallway my friends and I would want to push out. Then, senior year came. You know those moments when you really felt like your whole life changed? Well, that was my moment. Senior year - I made a deal with myself to just be good. After all, it was my last year in high school.. What can go wrong, right? Senior year started out fine. I didn't even care that I was classmates with Alba. There were fist bumps, hi and hellos.. To sum it short, eventually, I realized he wasn't that bad. He was actually kind of nice. I didn't really think much about it until our class retreat. He would constantly pick on me - for the lack of proper words - in a sweet way. Knowing his reputation, though, I stayed away. However, all through out the year, Alba and I got closer. For some weird reasons, he gave me a dog tag necklace during our Christmas party with an explanation that I own too much bracelets, and he hoped that I would remember him whenever I'd use my dog tag. That did it. What was happening? I was confused, happy, weirded out.. excited even. He would message me almost every night, and we'd talk about anything like crazy. He became my confidant and my best friend about almost everything - except the thing going on between the two of us. It went on like that for a while until the love month came. That's when he explained everything to me. I was confused at first, but the more I think about it - The more it made sense. I was insanely in like with him. He was my first love. He gave me memories that I know, for a fact, I will always remember.

 College came for the both of us. At first, we were both unsure as to how we were going to place ourselves, but we went on, and on, and on, and on. I chose to stay with him rather than my block mates, and just like what he said, we faced college together as partners. He was, and still is, the best decision I have ever made. Alba taught me so many things. He gave me so many memories - horrible and beautiful. He is my rock, and the light that would always guide me through. He is that one person it would kill me to lose. And yes, despite the fights, here we are - still. Arguing as always, but never been this in love. Someday, I really pray that I'll end up with him, and build the dreams we've both thought about together.

Travel diary: Hong Kong Day 2

November 3

Theme parks. Who doesn't love theme parks?

Ever since I was young, I've always had this urge to prove something to myself.. to prove something to the people around me. Being the middle child with a family that is highly passionate about traveling and migrating to other places, I've grown to be independent at a very young age. I was extremely brave. As a matter of fact, I still am, and I'm very much proud of that. I've been left alone on my own countless of times, and it made me immune to being so needy and dependent to everyone. However, this does not mean that I love these people any less. It is just me, I guess.

The Hong Kong Ocean Park is the perfect getaway to the business that is called our lives. As silly as it sounds, It served as a reminder to me to continue being fearless despite everything I was going through. It reminded me to hold on because life has so much more to offer, and that it should be faced with a strong demeanor. Aside from that, It also brought back a lot of memories. The first time I truly cursed (and at the very young age of 4 years old, might I add), the random and impulsive getaway with my silliest best friends, the family trips to a local theme parks, and the time I went to the theme park with my brave boy..

I will be a lawyer.

Hello. It's been a while since we last talked. Quite frankly, I miss it. I know you have your reasons, and I would most probably never tell you in this lifetime, but I miss talking to you. We've both been busy nowadays, and even if I get to be with you for an hour or two once a day, it isn't really much. Remember when I was in middle school, and the rest of the family were in Canada? You would always take me out to random places, and talk to me about absolutely everything that a kid, what I was back then, would understand. I miss it. You taught me how to be persistent and how to earn respect. You never fail to make me so proud with everything you do and with everything you have done. Remember that British dude who told me that I look exactly like you? Well, I know I joked around and told you that you must be flattered, but with all honesty, I am the flattered one. Your confidence in everything is just unnerving, and for that, you have my respect, sir. I know we have our moments. We rarely argue, but we have it. I guess.. somehow letting your little girl grow is something that is hard for you, but you still understand nonetheless. You would always understand. You sometimes have the tendency on making me feel inadequate, but I know you don't mean it that way. I know you see so much in me, that you can't help but dream bigger dreams for me. And believe me when I say this, sir, I will try my best to not let you down. Yeah, remember when you threw me an 18th birthday party? I told you that a few years from now you'll get another scroll that would contain my diploma? Yeah.. That promise still stands. I'm trying my hardest right now. And maybe, right after I graduate college, another diploma will come that would contain my law degree.. Just like yours, sir. I'm working on it, and hoping. You are such an inspiration that I can't help but also want to see myself become like you. Thank you for always driving me to school from day one until now. Thank you for always giving me more than what I could've ever wished for. Thank you for making me listen to the Beatles, the Queen, the Bee Gees, to name a few.. Thank you for always believing in me. Just thank you. I'll try my hardest, dad. And I know, we eventually would reach our dreams. You will always have that one place in my heart. Happiest birthday, dad. I love you.



- - -

A letter to you

It's incredibly funny, how our relationships goes. How most of my relationships goes, actually. I love you, and then I don't. I know you feel the same way towards me, after all, I was once a part of your flesh. I'd like to say you are sane, but that would be lying.. and I know how much you hate it when I lie (not that I do, in fact.. I hardly do), so I won't. You are crazy, my dear. Crazy, psychotic, complex. You curse and get mad at the smallest things, for the smallest reasons. You rant for hours. It's endless. It's torture. It's pain. You drive me ever so crazy with your words. You make me cry.. bawl, even. I don't think anyone else has the capability to truly make me do that. And yet, you are wonderful. You make me cry, and then you hold me up. Did I ever tell you how scared and mortified I was when you left for abroad years ago? I don't think anyone has ever told you, but I cried myself for days. You never fail to show me how much you love me. You shape me, and shape me, and shape me for the better. Your never ending capability to understand me is something that will always make me look up to you. Your utter love and presence is just priceless, just like how you are to me.. to my siblings and to dad.

One day, when I have a family of my own, I promise to pass everything that you have taught me on to my kids. You are such a crazy and a wonderful person. Happiest birthday, mom. I love you.

Random thoughts during midnight

School has been so frustrating lately. I can't even explain. One moment, nothing is happening and I'm just chilling like a boss, and then, the next, everything's suddenly dependent on me. I never thought college would be this stressful. Just now, I was answering something in preparation for this long quiz, but I stopped right after trying to solve this one problem three times in a row. It's so god damn frustrating. I love math. It's such a good distraction on dwelling about the things going on around me.. but I feel like I can't rely much on it now, seeing that I keep on messing my solutions constantly.

God. Why am I talking rubbish.

Anyway, I woke up pretty early awhile ago. Ironic.. considering I've been really waiting for this Friday (because fridays are off day for DLSU people), because my head was immensely drained all through out the week, and I actually wanted to sleep long than my usual 7 hour sleep. It's so unfair, come to think of it. I've only realized it now. I stay at DLSU for like.. 11 to 13 hours a day, and I sleep for like roughly 7 hours. What a lifestyle I have. But, I guess that's college. No complains.. really. But, seriously. What a life. Moving on.. I woke up to the sound of my brother's television with the broadcaster from the morning news saying stuff like.. "signs of a mentally incapable person".. "moody".. "extremely short patience" .. "always mad" .. and more stuff. That actually made me think. It's not the.. mentally incapable, in a smart - logical way, but more on.. mentally - emotionally. Whatever. You get it. Anyway, it actually woke me up, because come to think of it, I'm everything on the list these past few days. I guess.. sometimes.. everything just suddenly becomes too much for me. With my family.. my friends.. my studies.. my boy. I don't really know how to pick up, or how to do everything.. or just stuff. It's crazy. And then, in addition to that, here comes my insecurities, eating me up, alive as ever. I'm usually a very happy person.. but when something enters my mind. It's on my mind. Twenty four - seven. Till someone actually comes up to me and clear things up. Until then, it's on my mind. And that sucks. So bad. I think this is partly why I never really wanted to be really close to people. Unless, ofcourse, said people have proven to be a constant in my life, but everything else.. I'd just prefer not to. And, damn. This just sucks. I'm so rubbish. There's just always this huge protective barrier around me that prevents people from coming in. For some reasons, I always feel like people are out there to hurt me, to make me more vulnerable that I already am.. and that just leads to me pushing people away.. before they can actually create a lifetime damage inside me. And then, there goes me hurting the people who loves me the most.

What an ironic, twisted, complex mind I have.

No one should really ever be with me.

Please.

I feel like absolute shit right now. I just got home from St. Luke's. V was admitted awhile ago with Dengue. And it sucks. I've never felt this bad for a long time, and I just feel like shit. Like, I wish I'm the one in there and not him. Like, I wish it happened to me, instead of him. Like, I wish things right now is like how it was last week, two weeks ago.. even, I don't know.

He's always been the strong one for the two of us. For me. He's always the one standing, fighting, wanting to give things another try. He's always the one trying.. always walking.. never giving up. He's always the one constant. Someone who never did fail me. Or drop me. Over anything more pleasurable than being with me. And now.. Now.. all I can think about is what if. What if I might just lose him for good, because even if he thinks I do deserve him, life actually doesn't. What if.. What if..

SHIT. This is killing me. I've been nothing, but selfish these past few days, and I don't even understand how he can feel lucky to have me, when I'm just a mess. And fuck, I don't deserve him. Not a single part of him. And it's killing me that he still acts so nice and caring and understanding and loving to me.. even when I give him my 'I-don't-care-act'. He's just so sweet, so nice.. so caring.. so understanding. And I'm just me.. someone who doesn't deserve him.

I've been crying for the past few hours.. Now.. I just want him back. I just need him back. To stand up again.. like he used to. I'm at total lost. I promise I'll be good. I promise to put myself aside. I promise.. I'll love him even more. Anything. Just anything to have him back.

Please.

Finally made it through the lonely

... to the other side. :)

I am one lucky girl.

As the door closed that separated me from the outside world to my own far-away world, the pace of my heart's beating went twice as fast as it was before. I was nervous. Heck, nervous is the understatement of the year. As I think of all the worst, humiliating things that could happen, I realized I was pacing around. I stopped, and decided to sit down. As I hit my comfortable position, the phone began to ring. Nervously, I reached out and answered it. Call me crazy, but that was probably one of the most nerve-wrecking phone call I've ever gotten. I stood up, paced back and forth, and realized that I have to go. Nervously, I reached to the door, opened it, and that's where everything started. The random flashes, the instructions, the event organizer.. Everything was just so overwhelming. Every step made my heart beat faster than it did before, and I can seriously feel the blood climbing up to my face. This has never been my kind of thing.

As the door that would connect me to my world begins to open, I uttered a little prayer. Thank you. Thank you so much for the wonderful eighteen years. Thank you so much for giving me a support system as wonderful as I have. Thank you for the beautiful dress, for the amazing shoes, for the shiny accessories. Thank you. Thank you for the glamorous set up, for the people surrounding me. Thank you for blessing me with eighteen wonderful and beautiful years. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.











It was one of those moments that every single thing was just damn perfect. I sit there, and with just a single glance around the room, I knew I couldn't wish for anything more. I was being surrounded by everyone who matters to me, and it felt surreal. It was amazingly beautiful. It was one of those rare moments where in the world conspired with me.. And, I am just.. one grateful girl.

Thank you. Thank you for the wonderful songs and performances. Thank you for the kind, sweet, and loving words. Thank you for playing the guitar for me. Thank you for the thoughtfulness. Thank you for putting a smile on my face. Thank you for growing with me, and smiling with me.


To you, my constant and never failing guide, I love you. I could never truly express how thankful and blessed I am to have someone like you as my best friend. You're my sister, my parter-in-crime, my companion. You're always, always, always there.. You never let me doubt myself, and you just bring out the identity in me. Thank you so much. You're a very astonishing and beautiful person, and I love you.


And to you, my baby. You who fought for me in front of 120 special people in my life, you make me beyond speechless. Brave boy, you've constantly taught me that falling in love with you is something that I should never be scared of. You secure me in more ways that you can ever imagine, and I'm just so much blessed to have you in my life. You are beyond wonderful, baby.. You're just the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I just love you with all my heart.

To my always there and ever supporting family, I am nothing with you guys. I hope you know that. Thank you for always picking me up when I'm down. Thank you for always making me feel better. Thank you for just knowing.. and for loving me. My heart is exploding with so much happiness, and I know, I owe this all to you. Thank you. I love you guys so much.