Random thoughts during midnight

School has been so frustrating lately. I can't even explain. One moment, nothing is happening and I'm just chilling like a boss, and then, the next, everything's suddenly dependent on me. I never thought college would be this stressful. Just now, I was answering something in preparation for this long quiz, but I stopped right after trying to solve this one problem three times in a row. It's so god damn frustrating. I love math. It's such a good distraction on dwelling about the things going on around me.. but I feel like I can't rely much on it now, seeing that I keep on messing my solutions constantly.

God. Why am I talking rubbish.

Anyway, I woke up pretty early awhile ago. Ironic.. considering I've been really waiting for this Friday (because fridays are off day for DLSU people), because my head was immensely drained all through out the week, and I actually wanted to sleep long than my usual 7 hour sleep. It's so unfair, come to think of it. I've only realized it now. I stay at DLSU for like.. 11 to 13 hours a day, and I sleep for like roughly 7 hours. What a lifestyle I have. But, I guess that's college. No complains.. really. But, seriously. What a life. Moving on.. I woke up to the sound of my brother's television with the broadcaster from the morning news saying stuff like.. "signs of a mentally incapable person".. "moody".. "extremely short patience" .. "always mad" .. and more stuff. That actually made me think. It's not the.. mentally incapable, in a smart - logical way, but more on.. mentally - emotionally. Whatever. You get it. Anyway, it actually woke me up, because come to think of it, I'm everything on the list these past few days. I guess.. sometimes.. everything just suddenly becomes too much for me. With my family.. my friends.. my studies.. my boy. I don't really know how to pick up, or how to do everything.. or just stuff. It's crazy. And then, in addition to that, here comes my insecurities, eating me up, alive as ever. I'm usually a very happy person.. but when something enters my mind. It's on my mind. Twenty four - seven. Till someone actually comes up to me and clear things up. Until then, it's on my mind. And that sucks. So bad. I think this is partly why I never really wanted to be really close to people. Unless, ofcourse, said people have proven to be a constant in my life, but everything else.. I'd just prefer not to. And, damn. This just sucks. I'm so rubbish. There's just always this huge protective barrier around me that prevents people from coming in. For some reasons, I always feel like people are out there to hurt me, to make me more vulnerable that I already am.. and that just leads to me pushing people away.. before they can actually create a lifetime damage inside me. And then, there goes me hurting the people who loves me the most.

What an ironic, twisted, complex mind I have.

No one should really ever be with me.