In my old household, that's one phrase you'd hear quite a lot. Every single day, actually. It's funny. You'd think living with the same people for over twenty years would actually mean that the names of said people would forever be embedded on one's heart. Well, forever until old age creeps to one. So, before anything else, let me all tell you how hard this is for me. Hard in a sense that I don't have any single idea what to write, but it seems that I feel each and every emotion there is to feel about this. They say once you start writing, words just come to you. Well, not in this case.
Everyone, meet my Nanay. Ever since I was born, I have lived with her. I have shared my first bath, first meal, first step, first word, and many more uncountable other firsts with her. She was my yaya's matrona, our household's greatest cook ever, and the stingiest person I have ever known. Relatively speaking though.. She was my Grandmom, and she loved us all with all her heart.
Years later, my siblings and I entered her life. While my parents were building their own careers, my siblings and I were stuck under my Grandmom's care. Through those years, my siblings and I have created a special bond with our Grandmom not even our aunt and aunties have. Though it pains me so much sometimes, I remember a lot. I remember playing horse with her beloved sofa, and you know what she'd do? She'd just let the annoying little me be. She'd always prefer us to stay inside rather than to go out. She had the patience of a god. I remember arguing with her every day for the whole summer of my middle school life, just because I didn't want to take my afternoon naps. She'd get mad at me then, but would eventually get me to sleep anyway. I remember running away from her whenever she'd scare us with her ever so famous baseball bat when my siblings and I would do something so incredibly foolish but amazing for a ten year old. I remember going to the wet market with her, and how she'd ask for a special discount price cause she's a (*quote*) valued customer (*unquote*) . I remember her chasing after and eventually shouting at my old fat bus driver, just cause he'd always make me sit on something hot.. which eventually got me confined in the hospital. I remember her making me drink all of her teas on one local family trip just cause my stomach was all upset. I remember her giving me an exact Php 1000 bill so that I can go shopping before my flight to Vancouver, Canada. I remember her giving my siblings and I twenty bucks everyday for school in addition to what my parents give us. I remember her cooking all of my favorite food whenever I'm sick. I remember her holding my hand and staring at me intently.. Not talking, but just staring.. As if she can't believe I grew up to be the girl I am today. And though it hurts, I feel the need to tell you that that was the last time I saw her warm and alive. Most importantly, I remember her telling my siblings and I how much she loves us.. Perhaps not everyday, but on special occasions and once every quarter moon.
I'd describe her now as something, but I feel like every single word that comes to me right now doesn't really compensate to what she was. How exactly do you regard someone whom you'd never thought you'd lose? I know everyone dies, but to her, it never came to me that one day, she'd pass away. Though it hurts so much that she's gone, I know that I will always carry her with me. So here I am.. Six months and ten days later.. Trying to type all these jumbled thoughts in my head. I thought as time passes by, everything becomes easier. But what I have come to realize is that pain doesn't really go away.. We just learn to live with it. Up to this day, whenever I'd think of her, I feel as if she's still alive somewhere. Somewhere, but alive. And in a way, I know it's true. She's alive up there guarding over all of us.
I still can't find all the right words to say now, but I'll leave it to this: Thank you for everything, Nanay. I love you always.
