Legal all around

Guess who just celebrated her 21st birthday? Well, surprisingly, it's me. As hard as it may seem to believe (and trust me, I couldn't count the number of people who mistook me as a highschool student, still), my birth certificate actually stands firm on my birth date. I couldn't believe it myself. I sure as hell don't look 21. Nevertheless, I actually feel the pressure of being 21. Law school applications, senior year in college, this, that, etc. It seems like everything big happening on my life starts at this age.

Anyway,  I celebrated my birthday at Midas, just like last year's, with my family and my Alba.

Here's my tiny birthday cake, same as last year's. Haha, I guess tradition's hard to break, huh?

This is me! See what I mean about not looking like I'm 21?

With my bestfriend, my lover, my confidante, my everything :) He has this habit of spoiling me on my birthday. Haha, a day before my birthday, he took me on a day out and spoiled me every step of the way. He calls it my Princess Day. I'm so blessed to have this boy ♥

With my loving family, of course.

When we got home, V made me open his birthday presents to me! Here's what he wrote on my birthday card.

And his presents to me! I absolutely fell in love with the bag. He claims that I never have a "big enough" bag for my traveling, and he's right! I don't really like using big backpacks until now. Even my parents think he's spoiling me. He definitely knows my taste! :)

Lol, disregard my flipflops. He made me try it on! Here's what it looks like on me!

Lastly, polaroid snaps to complete the day. Those captions were written by him. Aren't I the luckiest girl ever? ♥

So yeah, that's how my birthday went. All I can say is cheers to this. Cheers to family. Cheers to friends. Cheers to Alba. Cheers to love. And lastly, cheers to life!

Cebu Diaries

Last June 6, I went on a local trip together with my family at Cebu. Being extremely busy with school weeks before the trip, I didn't have any idea as to what our itinerary would be. I crammed my packing, and wasn't really able to prepare well for the trip. However, the trip was such a welcome distraction from my everyday stressful life that I didn't really mind. 

Here are some of the few pictures during our trip.

Here's my plane ticket!

 

 While waiting for the plane! All ready to hop on the plane and fly. Lol, if any of you are wondering, that's a Kindle Touch I'm holding.

Can you guess who? It's me and my window seat! Everybody in my family knows that every time we travel, I get to have the window seat! It's simply non-negotiable.  

To me, one of the best perks of flying window seat is that you get to see the view from an aerial perspective (well, right, ofcourse). 

Here's where we stayed for the weekend. Imagine three days of pure paradise! Haha, this is at Imperial Palace Water Park Resort and Spa. I really recommend this place! I've been to numerous hotels nationwide, and nothing compares to this. It's too bad I wasn't able to capture the suites where we stayed. It was absolutely perfect! Not to mention the number of waterparks they offer! I'm definitely going back :)

Island hopping! Look how peaceful it is out there.

Island hopping, still. 

And lastly, one of Imperial Palace's many pools!

It was such a perfect weekend. I love you, Cebu!

Guard yourself

With the car swiftly moving, he stared at her. Her eyes deceptively glowing from the dim reflection of the city lights, she looked positively luminous. Surely, she's a goddess being concealed in a human form. He laughed at the absurdity of his thoughts. Slowly, her forehead began to crease. Her eyes wide in wonderment, or perhaps a little inkling of irritation. He wasn't sure. Nevertheless, she still continued to talk, her excitement evident on the way she moved. He leaned on the window. He should probably begin to listen now.

"I'm telling him tonight!" she said, with uncertain conviction, and yet with fervent perception. She stopped, and expectedly looked at him. What can he possibly say to that? Her words were a slap to him. Surely, she must know. He has been on her side for months. She could not possibly be so cruel to drive a knife to his already fading heart.

"Are you sure?" with eyes closed, he internally berated himself. Of course she was sure. She's not the one to jump on uncertain grounds. He opened his eyes, and forced himself to stare at her. She is his muse, ethereally passing here on Earth. How can he possibly tell her that he isn't worthy of the girl she is? How can he make her realize in such a short span, before they step out of the car, that she's making a big mistake?

"Yes, I am," she uttered, her eyes contemplating and zealously solemn. She looked lost in her own universe. He wondered if she ever notices that about herself. When she becomes vehement about something, she drifts herself off to a different realm. How can she look so damn contented when he's surely going to have sleepless nights ahead because of her? Because of them? Carrying on with a little bit of hope he dared, he waited for her to come back to him. Seemingly, she snapped out of her reverie and moved her innocent but passionate glance to him.

It's over. It was a battle and he should have long realized. It has been a loss ever since he entered her life.

Hey

"Hi." 

 With just one mere syllable, you managed to turn my day around once again. I wonder if you see what I see. I wonder if you see those times I would snuggle up to your arms watching movies while we childishly play with the popcorn, or those times in between classes when you would sneak up to my room and steal a kiss or two. You said those things were the best part of our relationship, but I marvel if you ever think about those spontaneous hours that would leave me under your blanket -- always, always, always wanting for more, as the hours stretched into days. As your smile, now reserved and self-contained, fixed on mine, I am at a loss. Perhaps, I deserved this. Perhaps, asking you to still smile at me despite our horrendous separation is too much. Perhaps, I'm still stuck in a point of time when you would suddenly cover my eyes, hug me from behind, and rub your cheek on mine. 

 I look at you now, and I see the person you've become. Cold to me, but a little more warmer to the world. Now that you're not in my arms anymore, you are everywhere. Sadly, that includes my thoughts and my dreams. I wish I could say that I've always known you'd be this great. I wish I could pronounce with utter conviction that I have always believed in you, but that would just be another blasphemy. I've always ignored your little quirks. They drove me crazy, and eventually became an addend to the sums of reasons as to why we should break up. 

It's funny how I wanted this, how I asked for it. Funny in an acidic kind of way that I have to lose you for me to appreciate you. Do you even still think about me? Those times when we're both so busy studying, and you'd just suddenly kiss me on the forehead? Those times when you would just randomly message me in the middle of the night about how much you're in love with me? Do you still think about those moments when we would drive ourselves to nowhere as we wait for the dawn of a new day? Do you still remember those times when you smiled at me a little more warmer? 

 I look at you now, and I'm left with nothing else to say. 

Dying light

They say it takes twenty-one days to make a habit and another twenty-one days to break it, but to them, it only takes three. Hand in hand they walked to her boundaries. He will never know, of course, and she will never tell him. It's always an internal struggle for her. How can something that destroyed her after all be her redemption in the end? It's unexplainable and unreasonable, but there it is. It happened, and slowly, it has became a habit to them so intense, it's taking the life out of her. She shouldn't be doing this after all. Her with the thread-like blood and face so pale. At the dark alley, they fired. She observed him. With a face so youthful, he draw in the smoke, casually shrugged a little, and released it along with the breeze of a hurricane. It's ironic, that is. He doesn't know, and she will never tell him. She took in a drag, and leaned beside him. Goddamn, it's killing her, and he will never know. Every time they do it, a tiny part of her, disguised in a veil of thick, torturous air, gives out a little sigh and sinks a little on the inside.

With his hand on her left and a cigarette on her right, she looked up to the already polluted sky of the metro, and she could've sworn, she saw a dying light.

She's home

It's always the ones at night.

Tap. Tap. Tippity, tap, tap. Relentlessly, she succumbed to passiveness. One way or another, before the night ends, she was going to have to do it again. Inhale. Exhale. On the dimness of her room, she started to count her breathing.  Fathomless at first, until it became shallow. This is yearning. She is yearning. Yearning at its finest. She held her breath, and told herself, calmly at first, to control her compulsion. Her thinning lungs and her chaotic mind both raging on an invisible and losing battle. It wasn't always like this. Her life wasn't always like this. It was luxurious and pleasant. It was always safe. She would wake up in the morning, grab her breakfast, do her morning routine, and pursue whatever it is she has to do. It was safe and predictable. Predictable. Isn't that word funny? She used to hate predictability. She thrived on adventures. After all, being the goody-good girl she was, who wouldn't thrive for it? She was always lost in her own fictitious world. But lately, when she arrives from the scepticism and perilousness she partakes in everyday, emptiness would slowly creep into her until it embraces her heart. She's going to be at it again. Slowly, she opened her safe. It's always a battle for her. She dug steadily until she reached her getaway. A finale began to emerge. She opened it and found her stash. Stealthily, she grabbed her lighter and pushed it downwards.

One stick wouldn't hurt, and she's finally home. 

Glimmer of madness

She sighed as she looked around. It's getting to her again. The growing irritation on her skin, the unexplainable and unreasonable warmth enveloping her. She shook her head once. She won't let it win. She focused her sight on something. Someone. Anything. But unsurprisingly, to no success, everything started to become hazy. She clasped her right arm and pinched it once. Twice. She started seeing red. She sighed. It's crawling on her skin again. Her vision started to be clouded. Her eyes began to look empty. Waters, she thought. It's all starting again. She tilted her head up a little. The least she could do is control her tears. Silently staring and willing herself to look up, she looked like she's inside her own minuscule of a universe. A chaos too powerful to grace Earth. With a stone on her throat and with murky vision, she willed herself not to cry. She's always going to crave for blue. For coldness. For anything but this treacherous warmth.

You

It wasn't always like this.

We started out perfect. With shaky hands and uncertainties ahead, we were head strong. We went beyond anything together. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, it was you I'm talking to. At a hazy point back in time, you were the greatest confidante I could ever ask for. I'd hang to your words, because they were all that mattered to me. We can be in the middle of a big chaos, and I just wouldn't care just as long as you're beside me. You. You'd probably never realized the impact that you are in my life. Behind my 'devil may care' attitude and insecurities, you'd most likely never discern that you were all that mattered. Behind my pride and all, it was just you.

Comfortability. I know everybody craved for it, especially you. For some reasons, you fail to realize just how much of a wonderful world you live in. You are constantly looking for ways to belong. I'd love to tell you that you do, that in that one song you jokingly said to me prior to our relationship, you belong with me. But that wasn't always enough. It was barely enough. Time and time through, every single thing just brought me to the scariest pitfall I tried to avoid from the very first day of our relationship -- loneliness. I was lonely for you, and you were very comfortable with me. So there you go, behind my back, doing all hideous things that eventually led to where we are now.

Maybe it wasn't your fault. After all, this is a relationship, and it takes two to tango. Maybe I clung to you too hard. Maybe the pressure of being my entire universe is too much. Maybe the hurtful words I said struck you beyond tired as well. Maybe in the same way that you are comfortable with me, I became too comfortable with you in my own disjointed ways. Maybe I was always asking for too much. Maybe it was my pride. Or maybe, it was just me.

I wish you'd realize that this isn't something I wanted to happen. I was all set for you, and I believe, despite how we are now, that I did everything for you as well. For all the low words I have said and disgusting things I have done, I loved you beyond everything. You are right. How we were then doesn't deserve how we are now. It's chaotic and hurtful. I hope that someday, we can remove ourselves from this hollow hole that keeps on getting bigger. I hope that someday, all the 'maybes' will be turned into assurances. I hope that someday, there will be trust again. I hope that someday, we can be like how we were before all this chaos began.

Gone

"Well, so much for my schedule."

The moment she blurted those words, she knew it was trouble. His already narrowed eyes turned ugly, and he threw the first thing he grasped on. Fortunately for her, it didn't hit, but unfortunately for him, it was his mobile phone. She took a deep breath, and told herself to stay firm on her grounds. She wouldn't let him sway her. He was at fault. He was always the one at fault. But this time, just like the few times before that, he did nothing. She stood there half expecting him to pick his phone up any moment. People were starting to look. She wondered how it looked like to others. Did they look like they were fighting? Did it look like he threw his phone on her by accident? Slowly, people began to whisper. It's funny. She spent most of her life before him trying to get out of it. Him, being the most self-conscious person that she knew, threw one last critical glance at her and started to walk away. She saw black. He was letting her clean his mess, and she would. He knew she would. It had nothing to do with love, although the word was thrown casually so often that it had started to lose its meaning. Left with no other option, she picked up the phone. She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. He was right. She was a cryer. Fights like this would always send her stumbling to the far most corner of the campus bathroom, all the whilst crying her heart out. But this time, she wouldn't. He was at fault. And sooner or later, he was going to realize that. She walked slowly at first, showing people through her mannerisms that she wasn't affected one bit. She straightened up her usual clumsy pose and wadded herself out from the suffocating crowd surrounding her. "Don't look behind", she reminded herself. Walk slowly. One. Two. Three. And she's out. It's funny how he was right. She was at the far right corner of the bathroom, composing herself on what she should do. Should she just go home? Should she wait until he come to his senses and apologize profusely the way he does? She should even give him another chance? It seems like that's all she's been asking herself lately. After all, he is always the one at fault. His phone started to blink. Thoughts as fast as electric lines, started running through her mind. Maybe he found a way to borrow a friend's phone and wanted to find her! Maybe he was finally going to apologize! She opened his phone and found the alert leading her to a text message. She should have known. She should have listened to her gut feeling that something different was going to happen that day. That it was all going to change everything for them -- for him and for her. It was then. The moment he so callously predicted earlier. The moment it hit her to heart, she drowned in her own misery and allowed herself to cry.

So much for this.

Tonight

Sometimes, people surprise you in a way you'd never expect to hurt.

I've been stalling myself for days since I have no idea how to write this entry without giving away too much, but since I swore to myself I'd keep track of any life changing moments, may it be wonderful or horrendous, I'm going to try my hardest.

I don't often give my trust to people. It's a fact. It's not because I often believe that people are terrible human beings, and I like seeing the bad; It's simply because I am probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet in this entire universe, though this is still subject to further research, I certainly feel like it. This isn't something I'm proud of, but since then, I've been trying my best to change -- And I did, for quite some time. Though it took months, years even to gain my trust, there it is. I knew it was there. For some time, I was really happy too, knowing that I finally have someone to lean on through the good and the bad. It was such an amazing and rewarding feeling -- Having to feel like I have someone on my side, against the world, no matter what. To me, having someone on that sense was the highest form of intimacy. It was THAT sacred to me, and I lived with it. No. I lived for it. Everything I do, I did for that relationship. I was that happy to the point that I even decided it's okay to put everything aside and to just lay my world on that person's hands. I gave that much. I trusted that much. I loved that much.

Ultimately, in the end (if you even consider this the end), everything just slapped back at me. All the love I had given, all the love I had to give, and all the love I was willing to give - all of it, down the drain. I was destroyed. I mean, how can you say that you love a person when you're consciously destroying them behind their back? I am out of words. All I can say is that I've never ever hurt as much as I'm hurting now.