A letter to you

Hello, my dearest

It's 2:21 AM, and I'm still awake. It has always been like this lately. I know you think I keep on staying up for the reason that I'm currently on break, but that couldn't be any further from the truth. It's always at these hours, when you're sleeping, that I'm at my loneliest. I know you feel it, too - this gapping space between us. It wasn't always there at first, in fact, people surrounding us would always tell us we're inseparable. I always felt secured with you, and I guess, you felt that way too. As wrong as it was, we were each other's world - until we just weren't anymore.

I don't know what happened. I guess I could say life is happening. I know it's partly my fault for always pushing you away. I know it's not your fault that you've been thoroughly consumed by your passion. I just want you to know that I respect that. I couldn't be any more proud of you. You're finally making it, and from someone who saw you struggle from the very beginning, I'm deeply humbled by you - if only it didn't mean losing us.

We've always battled out our feelings freely from the very beginning. Like I said, it's my fault for pushing you away all the time. It's my fault for never giving you my utmost trust. I'm sorry for always blaming you for the things that are beyond your control. I'm sorry for making you feel unloved most of the time. But do you really have to pull yourself away too?

I'm unfair, I know. But it's always at 2 AM, in my dim bedroom lights, and a cup of tea on my right, when I feel the loneliest. Despite everything, I hope you know that when I think of losing you, I die a little more on the inside. The pain is unfathomable. And I'm slowly feeling that now. Maybe we'd last or maybe we won't. Maybe in a few days, weeks, or months even, we would overcome this. Or maybe we won't. Like you said, maybe someday, in a year or two, we would be back together again. Maybe I should take comfort in that. But right now, the only comfort I can ever ask for is being engulfed in you.

I'm humbled and proud of who you're becoming, but please, never ever lose me, too.