Oh, life.

Isn't it funny how I always end up opening this page when I'm seeking refuge from something and then always ending up being at a loss for words? Or maybe, this feeling I have cannot really be expressed, nor written to the extent of my emotions. I'm afraid I won't be able to put to words the things I feel. Perhaps cause I don't understand it myself or to cut this short, I just don't understand myself at all when it comes to you.

I can't seem to let you go. I don't know if I love or hate myself for it. We've been going back and forth for days now, countless of times, we even tried to break up. To me, it seems like the only constant person in my world is changing. You've become distant, and I acknowledge the fact that everything is partly my fault. You have an entirely different world now where I feel like I don't have a space at all, and if you'll ask me if it hurts? Yes, it hurts. I'm a very selfish person. I've told you countless of times how I only want you for myself. And I really love you for trying your hardest to be that, but ultimately, I know I can't blame you for not being the person in my imagination. We've gone through heaven and hell. Me with my insecurities that keep on blinding me and you with your selfless assurances that you're slowly getting tired of giving. I know I'm a hard person to be with. You always tell me how I deserve so much better now that you can't give me your all, but perhaps, I hate you and I hate myself even more for not being that deserving person you should be with.

I'm really so sick of being sad all the time, but to be honest, I just don't know how to lift myself out of this place.