A short letter

Dear you.

Sometimes, God has a damn funny way of showing His love for us.

It was just a usual day when I got a text that changes almost everything. You see, in our relationship, you have always been the bigger man. You stand tall everyday despite all my petty whims and demands. You would always put your pride aside - No, scratch that. When it comes to me, you have no pride at all. You love me unselfishly with no ifs and no buts. While I, on the other hand, am full of insecurities, anger, envy.

And now, you're calling me your beauty queen.

I loathe you so much, you make me cry. It's so usual for me to only feel extremely much for you whenever you are at your lowest. I'm terrible - I know. I'm sorry. You don't deserve this, baby. You don't deserve all these things happening around you. I wish, once and for all, I can show you how much I love you. I wish I can be the one taking the hits, and not you. I wish you would still have the chance to achieve your dreams. But even so, you'd be amazing in everything else. You speak words, full of sense and intelligence. You interpret things with a unique dab of perspective.. And for the lack of better words, you are amazing.

On behalf of this sad world we live in, I'm so sorry. In the same way that I'm terribly sorry for constantly taking you for granted.

I may not always show you, but I assure you, at times like this.. You will always have me.

Love always,

Your legit beauty queen.

Remember, chew like you have a secret.

It's raining really hard right now. I have a cup of green tea on my left hand, and the unnerving feeling of loneliness on my right. It's not a hidden fact that I've always opted a small group of friends. I wasn't a loner, but if I have to choose between that or being the center of attention, I'd shy myself away and turn my back instantly. Even if I came from a school with the 'friendly' reputation, it still didn't armor me for the life that is college. In college, I met tons of people - some people, I've hit with almost instantly, while some.. let's just say things didn't really end up well for us. To be honest, I never really had any regrets giving up most of my college friends with V. I'd probably be in a wilder place, if I had joined them. Not that they're terrible people 'cause they aren't. They're probably the most active, known, and wildest bunch in the crowd. Still, most of them just.. doesn't really suit me. But even so, there are times when I can't help but feel terrible whenever I'd remember the transition phase. They would always message me, invite me, reach me out even when I clearly didn't want to be reached. It wasn't until everything was too late when I realized that I do in fact miss them. By the time, they're all far away and our lives are just even farther now.

On nights like these, I have never felt lonelier. Don't get me wrong though.. It's not that I need them, it's just that I miss them.. Really, really, really do miss them, but they will probably never know that. I'm good at letting people leave, anyway. Why stop now?

Good morning issues

Today is Sunday. Sundays usually mean Church and family day to me. I woke up with the intention of taking a shower, dressing up, and heading to Church. Well, everything went well according to my routine except one thing.. My dad called me fat. Fat? Big? Humongous? Maybe, he was kidding. After all, he said it with a laughing face.. And I was practically wearing a loose top and sweats. The first initial thought that came into my mind was: Okay. With all honesty, I have never been called fat before, but lately, I've grown to become conscious about my body since I've been hearing it kind of frequent. No. Don't get me wrong. They don't tell it to my face.. well, aside from my Auntie who so kindly (sarcasm) pointed it out in front of basically everyone. People would tell me I gained weight.. At first, I was insulted.. But then, I realized that I was even more insulted with myself when I think about how insulted I felt. Ironic? Doesn't make sense? I don't know.

Honest question: What's wrong with being fat? I know for once that I am not really that fat. I just gained from the usual petite self that I was in High School. I still fit into all of my clothes, and I am very healthy. But, seriously.. is being fat the worst thing that can ever happen to a person? What's so wrong about it? Is looking good into a bikini everything in this world? My answer is: No. No, it's not. I guess, partly, we somehow have the media to blame for this - Their odd projection of being perfect, skinny, and flawless. Is that all there is to life? Being perfect? I'd like to believe not. I have never aspired to be perfect. I am me - flaws and all. And honestly, the day that I will embrace this sick, psychotic thinking of society, would be the day I'll lose respect for myself.

I like having a little weight.

Suck it up, society.

Break downs and smiles

Hello. It's been a while since I have written in here. I have no other excuse, except the usual: I can barely keep up with my life. Earlier today, I was looking back at this blog. It's insane. I felt so immature, so mature, so sad, and so happy in an instance. I was in second year high school when I started this blog. Back then, everything was so easy, simple.. peaceful, even. Looking back, I was so sheltered. I wasn't stressed out with school, with my introversion, with my insecurities, with my boy -- well, any boy actually. Everything came in a silver spoon. I was happy and satisfied. Looking back, I'm just realizing now how much I loved my life back then. It was bliss - No complications, just in peace with my self.

 .. And then, that certain phase of my life had to end. I have to grow up, even if it means leaving my former sheltered life behind - especially that. When college started, I was, honestly, the naive little girl who didn't know what to do. I was in a block with people that I cannot, for the life me, truly relate with. Back in high school, I honestly thought my social skills weren't that good, but it wasn't THAT bad either. In college, I have never felt lonelier, despite the friendships I have built in my block. It's like I was forcing myself to something that just doesn't truly match with myself. Don't get me wrong - My block isn't that bad. I have learned to be civil with most of them, and even though I was included in this 'clique', I still didn't feel at home. Never mind that we had all of our breaks together. Never mind that we plan everything together. It's just really different. It's just not home.

 Then, there's Alba. This part honestly makes me speechless, but since I want to remember us forever, I will try to write it down. Alba and I met when we were in high school. He was my classmate at the time I created this blog, but lo and behold, I never mentioned him here. The truth is, I hated him back then. He was that type of person I would try my very hardest to avoid. I know, for a fact, that he wasn't that bad. People, well girls.. actually loved him back then. But for some reasons, he was so horrible to me, I had to use redundant phrases. Anyway, after Sophomore year, I never really thought about him - well, minus the occasional hallway bumps. He was dating this girl back then, and I truly, swear to God, didn't care about him. He was just this nuisance, along with the girl he was dating back then, at the hallway my friends and I would want to push out. Then, senior year came. You know those moments when you really felt like your whole life changed? Well, that was my moment. Senior year - I made a deal with myself to just be good. After all, it was my last year in high school.. What can go wrong, right? Senior year started out fine. I didn't even care that I was classmates with Alba. There were fist bumps, hi and hellos.. To sum it short, eventually, I realized he wasn't that bad. He was actually kind of nice. I didn't really think much about it until our class retreat. He would constantly pick on me - for the lack of proper words - in a sweet way. Knowing his reputation, though, I stayed away. However, all through out the year, Alba and I got closer. For some weird reasons, he gave me a dog tag necklace during our Christmas party with an explanation that I own too much bracelets, and he hoped that I would remember him whenever I'd use my dog tag. That did it. What was happening? I was confused, happy, weirded out.. excited even. He would message me almost every night, and we'd talk about anything like crazy. He became my confidant and my best friend about almost everything - except the thing going on between the two of us. It went on like that for a while until the love month came. That's when he explained everything to me. I was confused at first, but the more I think about it - The more it made sense. I was insanely in like with him. He was my first love. He gave me memories that I know, for a fact, I will always remember.

 College came for the both of us. At first, we were both unsure as to how we were going to place ourselves, but we went on, and on, and on, and on. I chose to stay with him rather than my block mates, and just like what he said, we faced college together as partners. He was, and still is, the best decision I have ever made. Alba taught me so many things. He gave me so many memories - horrible and beautiful. He is my rock, and the light that would always guide me through. He is that one person it would kill me to lose. And yes, despite the fights, here we are - still. Arguing as always, but never been this in love. Someday, I really pray that I'll end up with him, and build the dreams we've both thought about together.

This goes to you, my love

One day, we will nervously carry our luggage, hop on a blessed plane, and fly to a foreign country. One day, we will get lost on the streets of Spain, play with the extinct animals in Africa, watch the Niagara falls in Toronto, swim with the dolphins in the Philippines, walk around in New York, see the beautiful lights in Tokyo, and have the most scrumptious meal in Italy. One day, we will receive numerous wedding invitations from our close friends, give endless wedding speeches, buy tons of wedding presents before it will be our turn to host our own. One day, we won’t be each other’s tickle frenemy anymore, as we will pass the sweet torture to our cute babies while we watch them giggle to tears. One day, we will march up the stage with silly grins and proud faces, not for ourselves, but for our intelligent kids. One day, as we argue about the places we will travel, we will pin up a map on a random place in our room, and we will play darts with our kids. One day, we will roam around the world as a family and become invincible just ‘cause right there and then, we would both know the world is in our hands. One day, when our kids are finally ready to be their fullest selves, we will watch our kids fall in love and eventually, we would say goodbye to them as they go on and have the family of their own. One day, one of us is going to have to go, while the other would try to hold on hopelessly in faith, but we will never ever say goodbye. One day, we will meet again while we fly across the clouds, and we will continue the life we have started from above.

But until then, here’s a photo of the start.