ashes of cigarettes

It was a lovely and breezy Wednesday night by the bay, and yet, I was beyond exhausted. It was a very raining morning, and classes got suspended. I abhor university life for being like that, but maybe, it's also for our own good - teaching us to be more responsible and hardworking in the long run.. Yeah, right. The ambiance was very cozy, and the mood was beyond enchanting. The smell of smoky Japanese food, legitimate American steak, and wine is around the air, and everything was just so ideal. I never really thought anything can go wrong until you suddenly said, "I'm going to miss this." I knew you were leaving for abroad again tomorrow, and we weren't as close as before anyway, and yet.. despite that, it only took me less than a second to realize that I feel bad - So terribly bad that I can't help but tilt my head to any other direction but yours. It's crazy how close we were before, and how strangers we are now. The depth of the comparison of our relationship just baffles me. I don't think you'll ever know how much I look up to you. How much I look up to your never ending love towards your family. The way you honor where you came from is so rare and so equisite. You're a wonderful man. I wish you didn't have to leave so soon.

I will be a lawyer.

Hello. It's been a while since we last talked. Quite frankly, I miss it. I know you have your reasons, and I would most probably never tell you in this lifetime, but I miss talking to you. We've both been busy nowadays, and even if I get to be with you for an hour or two once a day, it isn't really much. Remember when I was in middle school, and the rest of the family were in Canada? You would always take me out to random places, and talk to me about absolutely everything that a kid, what I was back then, would understand. I miss it. You taught me how to be persistent and how to earn respect. You never fail to make me so proud with everything you do and with everything you have done. Remember that British dude who told me that I look exactly like you? Well, I know I joked around and told you that you must be flattered, but with all honesty, I am the flattered one. Your confidence in everything is just unnerving, and for that, you have my respect, sir. I know we have our moments. We rarely argue, but we have it. I guess.. somehow letting your little girl grow is something that is hard for you, but you still understand nonetheless. You would always understand. You sometimes have the tendency on making me feel inadequate, but I know you don't mean it that way. I know you see so much in me, that you can't help but dream bigger dreams for me. And believe me when I say this, sir, I will try my best to not let you down. Yeah, remember when you threw me an 18th birthday party? I told you that a few years from now you'll get another scroll that would contain my diploma? Yeah.. That promise still stands. I'm trying my hardest right now. And maybe, right after I graduate college, another diploma will come that would contain my law degree.. Just like yours, sir. I'm working on it, and hoping. You are such an inspiration that I can't help but also want to see myself become like you. Thank you for always driving me to school from day one until now. Thank you for always giving me more than what I could've ever wished for. Thank you for making me listen to the Beatles, the Queen, the Bee Gees, to name a few.. Thank you for always believing in me. Just thank you. I'll try my hardest, dad. And I know, we eventually would reach our dreams. You will always have that one place in my heart. Happiest birthday, dad. I love you.



- - -

Deny reality

We were in the study hall. Quietly relishing the ambiance of the study hall. We sat there as we both started to work on our final papers. I was on my 2200th word, while you were on your 200th. You would sometimes creep behind me, read quietly what I was writing, teasing me.. You know very well how conscious I would get when people would read my articles. I would playfully push you away, and would eventually do the same after some time, and you would react the same way. We just both work that way. I glanced at the screen and saw that it was 10 minutes before your time. I reminded you and for a moment, we both stopped at what we were both working on. You glanced at my laptop's monitor and said, "While we were here, you wrote 700 words, when I only wrote 300 words". I smiled. I love it when you notice things like that. You once told me how you find me amazing in writing. If you were to ask me, that would probably be the best compliment you have ever given me. I was spacing out when the noise of a chair being dragged broke my train of thoughts. You were leaving. I turned off my laptop, gathered my things, and was about to stand up when you stopped me, "You stay here, okay?". "Okay.. You tell me that when I just turned this baby off.." You chuckled. I love it when you chuckle. It's such a refreshing sound. As I turn on my laptop, you gathered your things. Before leaving, you stopped behind my chair, and surprised me by kissing me on my forehead. Forehead kisses, you rarely do that now. I was so caught off-guard when you suddenly whispered into my ear.. "Oh, and by the way, I love you, baby."

One hour. Two hours. It was one of those summer days; where in the heat was unbearable, and the summer mist leaves a sticky feel to the skin. We were standing on the hallways, waiting for your next class. One of your majors. Your majors really do give me a nervous feeling. Every. single time. It makes me feel uneasy, knowing that if there's one thing out of my control that could hurt you, it would be your majors. It's like my enemy, except that I can't do anything about it. You started walking when I suddenly felt extremely hungry. I complained. You brought me to the benches infront of the elevators. It is time. You hugged me again, and was about to leave when you suddenly stopped and asked me, "Pizza later, baby?".

. . . I was sitting infront of the elevators, by the eight floor, lost in my own world with my laptop, with Mr. Feenly, with Topanga, and with Cory. It was hot. The glare of the sunlight would then and there enter the transparent window panes of Andrew. I glanced at the clock. Two o'clock. Two hours. It feels like forever. I tapped on the keyboards of my laptop, and decided to just shut it off. I roamed around, quietly observing the people going in and out of their classrooms. I went to the washroom. Once. Twice. I sat back to where I was formerly sitting. Thrice? I was just about to lose my sanity, when you appeared by the corner. I would recognize that face anywhere. I mean, ofcourse I would recognize your face anywhere. I even dream about it all the time, but this face is something that leaves me breathless.. and scared. It is something that gives me a very cold feeling inside, leaving me vulnerable and at lost of what to do. I knew there and then that something is off.

We opted to take the stairs. We always do. We went down side by side. Sometimes, I would go ahead, and sometimes you would. You didn't even try to grab my hand. Something is definitely wrong. We reached the first floor, left the building and entered the main campus. You are still not talking. An inkling is already starting to form inside my head. God knows how much I wanted it to be wrong. To remain as a delusion. But, when you started talking, it gave me chills. Even your voice is different. I was right. And for the first time in a long while, I was lost.

We stood up, and started walking again. Now, in a more private place. Step by step, I feel so uneasy. I am lost as to what I can do. The back of my eyes are burning, and I feel like I just swallowed a huge stone that got stuck in my throat. Any minute now, I am going to explode. I stayed still, kept my voice inside me, and reprimanded myself to calm down. You sat down, and rested your head on top of the desk in front of us. I stopped, and sat beside you cautiously. I feel you shaking beside me. I removed my eyes from you, transferred it to an aurora on Earth. God knows what I've been staring at. Anything else. Just not that view. It breaks my heart. If I continue to stare at you, I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I am that vulnerable when it comes to you. But, then.. I couldn't leave you alone at that state, could I? I stared at the people passing behind us, but it feels like they are so far from us. So unreachable. Beside me, you moved. I shook my head. You are the only one unreachable. I stopped, and reprimanded myself for the second time. Man it up! I moved near you, and tried to hug you, but you just moved away and removed my arms. My first initial reaction was rejected. It's been a long while since you rejected any of my hugs. The burning sensation behind my eyes went back, and flooded the lids of my eyes. The stone on my throat suddenly feels bigger, and everything turned into a blurry motion. I closed my eyes, and demanded myself to stay still. I turned my back on you, stared at the people passing by, and thought to myself how that hurt real bad.

. . . "I want to be alone", you said. Ever since we started being what we are now, you always carried this side. This side of wanting to be alone when you are at your most vulnerable state. It hurts me when you do that. A lot. More than you would ever know, and more than I could ever explain. I stayed to where I was, while you quietly took small steps away from me. I stayed, and stayed, and you came back. "What are you still doing here?", you apathetically asked. I concentrated my eyes on the motorcycles infront of me and answered, "waiting for you to be fetched". You stopped, stared at me with emotionless eyes and said, "I don't want to fight". I looked at him, and directed my eyes on the floor. I would never even think of fighting with you. Not on times like this. You of all people should know that. I would take all your hits, your blows, anything.. when it comes to times like this. "You can leave now", you said. I wanted to shout. I wanted to shout how it's so unfair. Unfair, because I never ever asked you to leave when you insists on staying. Unfair, because all I want to do is to be there. But, once again, for the nth time, I stopped myself. My phone beeped. A sign that my ride home is there. "Leave", you said. That word is slowly starting to become a mantra, hurting less and less by the second, leaving me with an empty and dark feeling inside me. I swallowed to loose up my tight throat, and closed my eyes to keep the tears. "Okay", I glanced to him and smiled. "Can I at least get a hug?", it was the only consolation I would get, and honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm willingly take all that I can. Without any words, you opened your arms, and I eagerly entered your embrace, wanting to feel the same warm feeling I'd feel when you would wrap your arms around me. After some time, you loosened your arms, as if signalling that it's time for me to go. I stepped away, kissed your right cheek, and walked away with one thing on my mind.

It hurts to let you go.

A letter to you

It's incredibly funny, how our relationships goes. How most of my relationships goes, actually. I love you, and then I don't. I know you feel the same way towards me, after all, I was once a part of your flesh. I'd like to say you are sane, but that would be lying.. and I know how much you hate it when I lie (not that I do, in fact.. I hardly do), so I won't. You are crazy, my dear. Crazy, psychotic, complex. You curse and get mad at the smallest things, for the smallest reasons. You rant for hours. It's endless. It's torture. It's pain. You drive me ever so crazy with your words. You make me cry.. bawl, even. I don't think anyone else has the capability to truly make me do that. And yet, you are wonderful. You make me cry, and then you hold me up. Did I ever tell you how scared and mortified I was when you left for abroad years ago? I don't think anyone has ever told you, but I cried myself for days. You never fail to show me how much you love me. You shape me, and shape me, and shape me for the better. Your never ending capability to understand me is something that will always make me look up to you. Your utter love and presence is just priceless, just like how you are to me.. to my siblings and to dad.

One day, when I have a family of my own, I promise to pass everything that you have taught me on to my kids. You are such a crazy and a wonderful person. Happiest birthday, mom. I love you.

Random thoughts during midnight

School has been so frustrating lately. I can't even explain. One moment, nothing is happening and I'm just chilling like a boss, and then, the next, everything's suddenly dependent on me. I never thought college would be this stressful. Just now, I was answering something in preparation for this long quiz, but I stopped right after trying to solve this one problem three times in a row. It's so god damn frustrating. I love math. It's such a good distraction on dwelling about the things going on around me.. but I feel like I can't rely much on it now, seeing that I keep on messing my solutions constantly.

God. Why am I talking rubbish.

Anyway, I woke up pretty early awhile ago. Ironic.. considering I've been really waiting for this Friday (because fridays are off day for DLSU people), because my head was immensely drained all through out the week, and I actually wanted to sleep long than my usual 7 hour sleep. It's so unfair, come to think of it. I've only realized it now. I stay at DLSU for like.. 11 to 13 hours a day, and I sleep for like roughly 7 hours. What a lifestyle I have. But, I guess that's college. No complains.. really. But, seriously. What a life. Moving on.. I woke up to the sound of my brother's television with the broadcaster from the morning news saying stuff like.. "signs of a mentally incapable person".. "moody".. "extremely short patience" .. "always mad" .. and more stuff. That actually made me think. It's not the.. mentally incapable, in a smart - logical way, but more on.. mentally - emotionally. Whatever. You get it. Anyway, it actually woke me up, because come to think of it, I'm everything on the list these past few days. I guess.. sometimes.. everything just suddenly becomes too much for me. With my family.. my friends.. my studies.. my boy. I don't really know how to pick up, or how to do everything.. or just stuff. It's crazy. And then, in addition to that, here comes my insecurities, eating me up, alive as ever. I'm usually a very happy person.. but when something enters my mind. It's on my mind. Twenty four - seven. Till someone actually comes up to me and clear things up. Until then, it's on my mind. And that sucks. So bad. I think this is partly why I never really wanted to be really close to people. Unless, ofcourse, said people have proven to be a constant in my life, but everything else.. I'd just prefer not to. And, damn. This just sucks. I'm so rubbish. There's just always this huge protective barrier around me that prevents people from coming in. For some reasons, I always feel like people are out there to hurt me, to make me more vulnerable that I already am.. and that just leads to me pushing people away.. before they can actually create a lifetime damage inside me. And then, there goes me hurting the people who loves me the most.

What an ironic, twisted, complex mind I have.

No one should really ever be with me.