On Law

I was lurking around twitter awhile ago when I came across some law student's profile. I was awed. My eyes grew big, then.. my jaw dropped. I bookmarked it as if my life depended on it. Yes, I was very much THAT awed. And yes.. that happens a lot.. maybe, every time I encounter a law student. Haha.

Most of the time, I get discouraged.. intimidated, even. Imagine those folks carrying big books around, waking up at 6 in the morning to start their never ending reviews.. who won't get intimidated, right? Sometimes, I chill. I mean, I say a quick pray to God telling him to NOT make it hard for me when I get there.. But, I know that's impossible. After all, they won't teach you a subject that is impossible for you to learn, right? Anyway, sometimes.. I panic! Yes. A full blown panic. I stop then, utter a poor excuse of a phrase.. like "Oh my fcuk! Are you seriously planning to get into that mess?" But.. sometimes, I get excited too.. And, I take comfort from that. Somehow, that gives me hope to pursue that field. The field of law. Haha. Ofcourse, having a father as a lawyer is pretty encouraging but, in the end.. I know it's going to be just me.

Can't say I'm not scared cause, who in their right minds won't be.. right? But, I've been wanting this ever since I was a kid. I know it sounds weird, but somehow.. I have this confidence in me that I'm going to make it. No maybe, no what ifs, no fcking "I think I want to shift" (technically.. you can't shift when you're taking up law already.) .. I have my mind set on it. But most importantly, I have my heart on a stone.. set on it ever since I was a kid. It doesn't even matter anymore if I'm taking it up because that's what my parents want my to take, or because that's what the whole clan expects me to take. NO. I'm taking this for myself. Because somehow, I have faith.. that no matter what, I can do it and I'm going to do it.

Sounds bull. Everything I've said up there but, really whatever.. If there's something I learned.. and I keep on learning every single time..

It's that in God's good time I will prove my worth.

Little steps

Step by step, she walked. The misty air of change surrounding her. Suffocating her. Towards the unknown. Step by step, she glided. Looking almost like a skater on her rink. Like Shakespeare on his plays. Step by step, with passion.

It was a chilly March. Very unusual for the month. Silently, she thought of how appropriate the weather is. Almost as if it's taunting her. Telling her that change is about to happen. That after some few steps, her life will never be the same again..

.. Step by step, she whispered, "This is it."

Turtles for life.

It was one of those days. Those days when I'd rather be stuck at home with a book on my right hand, and a cup of hot chocolate on my left. It was one of those 'almost-rainy-but-not-quite' days. It was one of those days when I met her. I remember her sporting this.. weird, long and dry hair. I remember her face, full of life.. and well, full of youthfulness. She was pretty.. even with a frown. I remember her dating this guy who was, at that time, driving a Honda car full of other guys. My initial good thoughts of her vanished when she hopped in inside. Few weeks later, I was off to Canada.

I never really thought of her when I was in Canada. Being a typical 13 year old kid, It was obvious that I was trying to adjust with the snow, with the weather, with commuting, with boots, with heavy jackets.. basically, with everything. I was also, for some personal reasons, trying to push my life when I was in the Philippines away. I tried MY VERY BEST to forget about that, most especially. And yet, I never did. But that doesn't mean that I thought of her. No, she wasn't important to me back then. She was nothing to me.

When I got back from Canada, I re-united with my classmates again. And no, it was NOT easy for me. Not at all. I had to re-adjust again with the lessons.. From reciting French lines, I switched to reading The Giver (not that I didn't enjoy it, Haha). From the chilling weather, to the UNBEARABLE heat. Oh God, imagine how crazy that made me. Sooner, I was able to adjust and it was graduation already. Graduation was.. fine. Ours was most probably the most stoic graduation that was ever held. Yes, almost no tears were shed. But that doesn't mean that we were all happy to leave our Grade school years behind. Nope. It was actually the opposite.

Very soon enough, after two months of doing nothing, we came back to school. As Freshmens. The bunso of the wild jungle called high school. Anyway, It was then.. that I saw her again. My initial thought was, “Thank God! I have someone to go with.” But I never really joined her during those two quarters. I was with another group and so was she. After some time, my group somehow.. blended with her and we all, clicked. We were all happy for a few weeks, until the girl fights started. NOTE TO SELF: NEVER EVER TAKE THE BLAME FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DID NOT DO. (The other “cabinet” will blame you for taking sides, Haha.) Anyway, I was depressed. Depressed because we all drifted apart. Depressed because, I was torn in the middle. It was like, “.. Yea, I watched RAW! Oh my gosh, John Cena (yes, we were crazy, haha!) was SO HOOOT!” and then I run to the other side of the classroom, then it was all like, “Yea, totally. Oh my gosh. Have you watched One tree hill? IT WAS AWESOME! Okay so maybe not, Peyton hooked up with Lucas and GUESS WHAT?! I want to slap that one hell of a male bitch called Dan Scott!” .. Yea, talk about the switch of.. mood. It was like, in group A, we were talking about something.. mad. And then, I run to group B and they are talking about One tree hill and what nots. It was MAD. And then, amidst of all those mess of being torn between two groups, there she is, the girl.. who badly wanted to make amends for EVERYTHING that she did NOT do. She was, at some point, exactly like ME. That was the moment when I saw her vulnerability. Her “I don't want her hurt, so I'm stepping up for her” attitude that made her SO.. frail. And so, I started hanging out with her.

I joined her every lunch time, together with a friend of mine, and a friend of her. That's when we began.. and at some point, that's when my friendship with the other group ended. It was sad to let go, yes. But it was something needed to be done. It was something that would make us all mature and civilized. It was mad, and painful but it was a part of life. Sometimes, letting go is just something.. that you need to do, for yourself. But anyway, what's important is that, on SOME aspect.. when it comes to messed up friendship, I was able to let go. And I was able to move on. It was not really hard if you've got a girl like her behind you. She's someone who would carry me, when everything – including myself- gets tough. She's someone who would bring a smile on my face when life gets difficult. She became my absorber on every single aspect of my life. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally.. name it.

She was there when I very badly needed someone to be my sister. She was there when the word “divorce” came out from my mother's mouth (it did NOT happen, thank you God). She was there when I needed someone to go with me to the Praise and Worship assembly. She was there when EVERYTHING that I believed in was basically falling apart. She was there when I was sick physically because of pneumonia. She was there when I needed someone to absorb my anxiousness towards high school. She was there – she still is, by the way, ALWAYS – when I needed someone to clear my mind cause of some people from the past. She's ALWAYS there. Whether she's sick, or it's raining, or she's got a case of a broken heart, or she's down, or.. she has no transpo to meet me. It doesn't matter. She ALWAYS finds a way.

And that's why I love her. Because whenever I'm with her, I don't need to be anyone else. I am NOT torn. I can be quiet, or loud. It doesn't matter. I can be anything. Say anything, whether it be about Pluto – not being a planet anymore, or about.. boys (frequently comes up, haha).. or about my family, or about hers, or about girl things. I am an open book to her. As she is to me. And that's why I look up to her. Because she does NOT judge. She's someone whom I can rely to. She's a CONSTANT change yet, I never felt the need to adjust when I'm with her. I'm Lea. Just Lea. No labels attached. I am my own skin when I'm with her. And for that, I will forever be grateful.

For the record, when I'm with you.. Things are looking better for once. Everything is brighter than the darkness before you.

Happy birthday, turty. I love you.

I remember..

"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up. I need your loving hands to come and pick me up.."

It's SO rare of me to blog about the kind of music I listen to, or the kind of movies that I prefer but, I've been looking for something to blog this past few days.. and my sister just sent me a very interesting SMS this morning about this song.

Most of us think of it as just another.. Another break up song written by a broken hearted guy who doesn't have the nerves to stand up after getting his heart broken. Well, atleast I used to. I never really did understand how you can lose your faith and your hope to life just because your special someone left you. I used to think that someone can NOT be that weak. And that someone CANT possibly rely to another person that much. You see, that song is like the opposite of my personality. To be honest, I don't like being weak. I don't like the feeling of relying to other people that much to the point that, you give them the power to destroy you. I don't like disappointments. But truthfully, who does.. right?

But, all of that changed though. When I received that sms from my sister. I immediately got up from the kitchen (I was eating breakfast, Haha), went to my room, and switched on my iPod. I played the song then, I realized.. the SMS that my sister sent me changed EVERYTHING about that song. I felt like being punched to the stomach while listening to it. I felt like crying my eyes out, and for the first time.. it made me feel like being weak.

You see, it's a song written by a broken hearted guy. I never really thought that something can justify that song. Or the message of that song. I never really thought that the reason for that song can be strong enough for it to pass my judgment. I used to wonder what made that song stand out from the rest. From all those songs that speaks the same words. I used to think that it's just another song, themed as love because.. let's face it, everyone's got something to say about love. About regrets, about sadness, about loss. Heck, even I do. BUT that's not the point. The point is, I used to think that they gave the song such theme because that's what most teenagers listen to this days..

But as I listen to it now, I can't help but shed some tears. Not just for the inspiration of the song (most especially for that though) but, for every single person out there who, at some point in their lives, got affected by the song. You see, it made me see my prejudice towards love. It made me see my wrong judgments and my own shortcomings. I realized that you CANT really see how a person really feels.. from an outsider's view. And that, there's a thing called TRUE to the word love. And now, as I listen to it.. It made me feel pain for the loss, for the regrets, for the pain, for the sadness. Most of all, I feel sorry for the composer and for those people who became the inspiration of this song . Because even though my heart cries out for them, what I feel can NEVER EVER compare to what they feel deep inside.

Do you know the story behind the song "TONIGHT" by FM Static? It was a really sad story, The composer was engaged with his long time girlfriend. As they depart for work, his girlfriend died and was one of the victims of the September 11 incident at Twin towers. He was SO deeply heartbroken and devastated. Thus, he composed that song in honor of his girlfriend.

.. "And every night I miss you, I can just look up and know that stars are holding you tonight."

Hello

So hello. Sometimes I go by days.. weeks even.. like I am hypnotized. Sometimes, I am left shocked and dazed by something beautiful and sad, that all I wanted to do is to make it better. Sometimes, when I'm so happy and ecstatic about something I stop by for a moment and relish the feeling of being sad. Sad for all those who are suffering when I'm anything but that. Sometimes, I just don't feel like being happy anymore unless I know to my self that I've done something that makes it better for other people.

Happiness and sadness are two words that I can associate with my life right now. Just when I am so happy, like nothing else in this world can break me.. something does. And sometimes, that something leaves me shattered. I'm like a kid who's only figuring out that Santa Claus is not real. Like.. a person whose beliefs are proven to be lies.

So hello. Forgive me for being a little bit lost right now. My beliefs are pretty much everywhere at the moment. I'm confused. Broken, even. And I don't have any idea how this would work out. Just so you would know, I love you. I don't know where I would be without you.. And that, most especially, I welcome you, your baggage and your frailties. It won't make me love you any less. And that, I'm sorry if I can't be there for you. I'm sorry if I won't be enough.