Hey

"Hi." 

 With just one mere syllable, you managed to turn my day around once again. I wonder if you see what I see. I wonder if you see those times I would snuggle up to your arms watching movies while we childishly play with the popcorn, or those times in between classes when you would sneak up to my room and steal a kiss or two. You said those things were the best part of our relationship, but I marvel if you ever think about those spontaneous hours that would leave me under your blanket -- always, always, always wanting for more, as the hours stretched into days. As your smile, now reserved and self-contained, fixed on mine, I am at a loss. Perhaps, I deserved this. Perhaps, asking you to still smile at me despite our horrendous separation is too much. Perhaps, I'm still stuck in a point of time when you would suddenly cover my eyes, hug me from behind, and rub your cheek on mine. 

 I look at you now, and I see the person you've become. Cold to me, but a little more warmer to the world. Now that you're not in my arms anymore, you are everywhere. Sadly, that includes my thoughts and my dreams. I wish I could say that I've always known you'd be this great. I wish I could pronounce with utter conviction that I have always believed in you, but that would just be another blasphemy. I've always ignored your little quirks. They drove me crazy, and eventually became an addend to the sums of reasons as to why we should break up. 

It's funny how I wanted this, how I asked for it. Funny in an acidic kind of way that I have to lose you for me to appreciate you. Do you even still think about me? Those times when we're both so busy studying, and you'd just suddenly kiss me on the forehead? Those times when you would just randomly message me in the middle of the night about how much you're in love with me? Do you still think about those moments when we would drive ourselves to nowhere as we wait for the dawn of a new day? Do you still remember those times when you smiled at me a little more warmer? 

 I look at you now, and I'm left with nothing else to say. 

Dying light

They say it takes twenty-one days to make a habit and another twenty-one days to break it, but to them, it only takes three. Hand in hand they walked to her boundaries. He will never know, of course, and she will never tell him. It's always an internal struggle for her. How can something that destroyed her after all be her redemption in the end? It's unexplainable and unreasonable, but there it is. It happened, and slowly, it has became a habit to them so intense, it's taking the life out of her. She shouldn't be doing this after all. Her with the thread-like blood and face so pale. At the dark alley, they fired. She observed him. With a face so youthful, he draw in the smoke, casually shrugged a little, and released it along with the breeze of a hurricane. It's ironic, that is. He doesn't know, and she will never tell him. She took in a drag, and leaned beside him. Goddamn, it's killing her, and he will never know. Every time they do it, a tiny part of her, disguised in a veil of thick, torturous air, gives out a little sigh and sinks a little on the inside.

With his hand on her left and a cigarette on her right, she looked up to the already polluted sky of the metro, and she could've sworn, she saw a dying light.

She's home

It's always the ones at night.

Tap. Tap. Tippity, tap, tap. Relentlessly, she succumbed to passiveness. One way or another, before the night ends, she was going to have to do it again. Inhale. Exhale. On the dimness of her room, she started to count her breathing.  Fathomless at first, until it became shallow. This is yearning. She is yearning. Yearning at its finest. She held her breath, and told herself, calmly at first, to control her compulsion. Her thinning lungs and her chaotic mind both raging on an invisible and losing battle. It wasn't always like this. Her life wasn't always like this. It was luxurious and pleasant. It was always safe. She would wake up in the morning, grab her breakfast, do her morning routine, and pursue whatever it is she has to do. It was safe and predictable. Predictable. Isn't that word funny? She used to hate predictability. She thrived on adventures. After all, being the goody-good girl she was, who wouldn't thrive for it? She was always lost in her own fictitious world. But lately, when she arrives from the scepticism and perilousness she partakes in everyday, emptiness would slowly creep into her until it embraces her heart. She's going to be at it again. Slowly, she opened her safe. It's always a battle for her. She dug steadily until she reached her getaway. A finale began to emerge. She opened it and found her stash. Stealthily, she grabbed her lighter and pushed it downwards.

One stick wouldn't hurt, and she's finally home. 

Glimmer of madness

She sighed as she looked around. It's getting to her again. The growing irritation on her skin, the unexplainable and unreasonable warmth enveloping her. She shook her head once. She won't let it win. She focused her sight on something. Someone. Anything. But unsurprisingly, to no success, everything started to become hazy. She clasped her right arm and pinched it once. Twice. She started seeing red. She sighed. It's crawling on her skin again. Her vision started to be clouded. Her eyes began to look empty. Waters, she thought. It's all starting again. She tilted her head up a little. The least she could do is control her tears. Silently staring and willing herself to look up, she looked like she's inside her own minuscule of a universe. A chaos too powerful to grace Earth. With a stone on her throat and with murky vision, she willed herself not to cry. She's always going to crave for blue. For coldness. For anything but this treacherous warmth.

You

It wasn't always like this.

We started out perfect. With shaky hands and uncertainties ahead, we were head strong. We went beyond anything together. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, it was you I'm talking to. At a hazy point back in time, you were the greatest confidante I could ever ask for. I'd hang to your words, because they were all that mattered to me. We can be in the middle of a big chaos, and I just wouldn't care just as long as you're beside me. You. You'd probably never realized the impact that you are in my life. Behind my 'devil may care' attitude and insecurities, you'd most likely never discern that you were all that mattered. Behind my pride and all, it was just you.

Comfortability. I know everybody craved for it, especially you. For some reasons, you fail to realize just how much of a wonderful world you live in. You are constantly looking for ways to belong. I'd love to tell you that you do, that in that one song you jokingly said to me prior to our relationship, you belong with me. But that wasn't always enough. It was barely enough. Time and time through, every single thing just brought me to the scariest pitfall I tried to avoid from the very first day of our relationship -- loneliness. I was lonely for you, and you were very comfortable with me. So there you go, behind my back, doing all hideous things that eventually led to where we are now.

Maybe it wasn't your fault. After all, this is a relationship, and it takes two to tango. Maybe I clung to you too hard. Maybe the pressure of being my entire universe is too much. Maybe the hurtful words I said struck you beyond tired as well. Maybe in the same way that you are comfortable with me, I became too comfortable with you in my own disjointed ways. Maybe I was always asking for too much. Maybe it was my pride. Or maybe, it was just me.

I wish you'd realize that this isn't something I wanted to happen. I was all set for you, and I believe, despite how we are now, that I did everything for you as well. For all the low words I have said and disgusting things I have done, I loved you beyond everything. You are right. How we were then doesn't deserve how we are now. It's chaotic and hurtful. I hope that someday, we can remove ourselves from this hollow hole that keeps on getting bigger. I hope that someday, all the 'maybes' will be turned into assurances. I hope that someday, there will be trust again. I hope that someday, we can be like how we were before all this chaos began.