She's home

It's always the ones at night.

Tap. Tap. Tippity, tap, tap. Relentlessly, she succumbed to passiveness. One way or another, before the night ends, she was going to have to do it again. Inhale. Exhale. On the dimness of her room, she started to count her breathing.  Fathomless at first, until it became shallow. This is yearning. She is yearning. Yearning at its finest. She held her breath, and told herself, calmly at first, to control her compulsion. Her thinning lungs and her chaotic mind both raging on an invisible and losing battle. It wasn't always like this. Her life wasn't always like this. It was luxurious and pleasant. It was always safe. She would wake up in the morning, grab her breakfast, do her morning routine, and pursue whatever it is she has to do. It was safe and predictable. Predictable. Isn't that word funny? She used to hate predictability. She thrived on adventures. After all, being the goody-good girl she was, who wouldn't thrive for it? She was always lost in her own fictitious world. But lately, when she arrives from the scepticism and perilousness she partakes in everyday, emptiness would slowly creep into her until it embraces her heart. She's going to be at it again. Slowly, she opened her safe. It's always a battle for her. She dug steadily until she reached her getaway. A finale began to emerge. She opened it and found her stash. Stealthily, she grabbed her lighter and pushed it downwards.

One stick wouldn't hurt, and she's finally home. 

Glimmer of madness

She sighed as she looked around. It's getting to her again. The growing irritation on her skin, the unexplainable and unreasonable warmth enveloping her. She shook her head once. She won't let it win. She focused her sight on something. Someone. Anything. But unsurprisingly, to no success, everything started to become hazy. She clasped her right arm and pinched it once. Twice. She started seeing red. She sighed. It's crawling on her skin again. Her vision started to be clouded. Her eyes began to look empty. Waters, she thought. It's all starting again. She tilted her head up a little. The least she could do is control her tears. Silently staring and willing herself to look up, she looked like she's inside her own minuscule of a universe. A chaos too powerful to grace Earth. With a stone on her throat and with murky vision, she willed herself not to cry. She's always going to crave for blue. For coldness. For anything but this treacherous warmth.

You

It wasn't always like this.

We started out perfect. With shaky hands and uncertainties ahead, we were head strong. We went beyond anything together. From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed, it was you I'm talking to. At a hazy point back in time, you were the greatest confidante I could ever ask for. I'd hang to your words, because they were all that mattered to me. We can be in the middle of a big chaos, and I just wouldn't care just as long as you're beside me. You. You'd probably never realized the impact that you are in my life. Behind my 'devil may care' attitude and insecurities, you'd most likely never discern that you were all that mattered. Behind my pride and all, it was just you.

Comfortability. I know everybody craved for it, especially you. For some reasons, you fail to realize just how much of a wonderful world you live in. You are constantly looking for ways to belong. I'd love to tell you that you do, that in that one song you jokingly said to me prior to our relationship, you belong with me. But that wasn't always enough. It was barely enough. Time and time through, every single thing just brought me to the scariest pitfall I tried to avoid from the very first day of our relationship -- loneliness. I was lonely for you, and you were very comfortable with me. So there you go, behind my back, doing all hideous things that eventually led to where we are now.

Maybe it wasn't your fault. After all, this is a relationship, and it takes two to tango. Maybe I clung to you too hard. Maybe the pressure of being my entire universe is too much. Maybe the hurtful words I said struck you beyond tired as well. Maybe in the same way that you are comfortable with me, I became too comfortable with you in my own disjointed ways. Maybe I was always asking for too much. Maybe it was my pride. Or maybe, it was just me.

I wish you'd realize that this isn't something I wanted to happen. I was all set for you, and I believe, despite how we are now, that I did everything for you as well. For all the low words I have said and disgusting things I have done, I loved you beyond everything. You are right. How we were then doesn't deserve how we are now. It's chaotic and hurtful. I hope that someday, we can remove ourselves from this hollow hole that keeps on getting bigger. I hope that someday, all the 'maybes' will be turned into assurances. I hope that someday, there will be trust again. I hope that someday, we can be like how we were before all this chaos began.

Gone

"Well, so much for my schedule."

The moment she blurted those words, she knew it was trouble. His already narrowed eyes turned ugly, and he threw the first thing he grasped on. Fortunately for her, it didn't hit, but unfortunately for him, it was his mobile phone. She took a deep breath, and told herself to stay firm on her grounds. She wouldn't let him sway her. He was at fault. He was always the one at fault. But this time, just like the few times before that, he did nothing. She stood there half expecting him to pick his phone up any moment. People were starting to look. She wondered how it looked like to others. Did they look like they were fighting? Did it look like he threw his phone on her by accident? Slowly, people began to whisper. It's funny. She spent most of her life before him trying to get out of it. Him, being the most self-conscious person that she knew, threw one last critical glance at her and started to walk away. She saw black. He was letting her clean his mess, and she would. He knew she would. It had nothing to do with love, although the word was thrown casually so often that it had started to lose its meaning. Left with no other option, she picked up the phone. She took a deep breath and willed herself not to cry. He was right. She was a cryer. Fights like this would always send her stumbling to the far most corner of the campus bathroom, all the whilst crying her heart out. But this time, she wouldn't. He was at fault. And sooner or later, he was going to realize that. She walked slowly at first, showing people through her mannerisms that she wasn't affected one bit. She straightened up her usual clumsy pose and wadded herself out from the suffocating crowd surrounding her. "Don't look behind", she reminded herself. Walk slowly. One. Two. Three. And she's out. It's funny how he was right. She was at the far right corner of the bathroom, composing herself on what she should do. Should she just go home? Should she wait until he come to his senses and apologize profusely the way he does? She should even give him another chance? It seems like that's all she's been asking herself lately. After all, he is always the one at fault. His phone started to blink. Thoughts as fast as electric lines, started running through her mind. Maybe he found a way to borrow a friend's phone and wanted to find her! Maybe he was finally going to apologize! She opened his phone and found the alert leading her to a text message. She should have known. She should have listened to her gut feeling that something different was going to happen that day. That it was all going to change everything for them -- for him and for her. It was then. The moment he so callously predicted earlier. The moment it hit her to heart, she drowned in her own misery and allowed herself to cry.

So much for this.

Tonight

Sometimes, people surprise you in a way you'd never expect to hurt.

I've been stalling myself for days since I have no idea how to write this entry without giving away too much, but since I swore to myself I'd keep track of any life changing moments, may it be wonderful or horrendous, I'm going to try my hardest.

I don't often give my trust to people. It's a fact. It's not because I often believe that people are terrible human beings, and I like seeing the bad; It's simply because I am probably the most insecure person you'll ever meet in this entire universe, though this is still subject to further research, I certainly feel like it. This isn't something I'm proud of, but since then, I've been trying my best to change -- And I did, for quite some time. Though it took months, years even to gain my trust, there it is. I knew it was there. For some time, I was really happy too, knowing that I finally have someone to lean on through the good and the bad. It was such an amazing and rewarding feeling -- Having to feel like I have someone on my side, against the world, no matter what. To me, having someone on that sense was the highest form of intimacy. It was THAT sacred to me, and I lived with it. No. I lived for it. Everything I do, I did for that relationship. I was that happy to the point that I even decided it's okay to put everything aside and to just lay my world on that person's hands. I gave that much. I trusted that much. I loved that much.

Ultimately, in the end (if you even consider this the end), everything just slapped back at me. All the love I had given, all the love I had to give, and all the love I was willing to give - all of it, down the drain. I was destroyed. I mean, how can you say that you love a person when you're consciously destroying them behind their back? I am out of words. All I can say is that I've never ever hurt as much as I'm hurting now.