Pre-Graduation Ball Blues

21 days. 504 hours. 30 240 minutes. 1 814 400 seconds.

Today is exactly 21 days after you have stolen the keys to my safe place. I remember sitting with my girls, on our table, being bummed out. Everything was just crazy that night, you know? Crazy in a sad kind of way. It was just then, when things started to sink in between me and my girls. The goodbyes and all, it took a toll on us. Anyway, I remember me and my girls staring into nothing. Every single thing was just a blur. I was lost on my own space until, I heard the microphone in the background, saying that the next song would be the last song for the night. And just like that, my heart dropped. The thought of not seeing everyone again made me feel suffocated. The thought of going out there to the real world scared me. You have no idea. I was lost in my thoughts until I saw you coming to my table. It wasn’t our first dance that night. But seeing you come to my direction made me feel really better inside.

You got my hand, and asked for my friends’ permission if you can dance with me. I stalled, and removed my heels first. Yeah, I’m not the heels kind of girl. We walked towards the dance floor and I remember slow dancing with you. That time, I couldn’t look at you in the eyes. I remember observing our surroundings and making fun of our other batch mates who were, in my opinion, dancing a little too closely. It went like that for us until the middle of the song. I’m not really good with words, and I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to put how I feel towards you to words. Thinking of it now, maybe the reason why I couldn’t look at you in the eyes was because, I was scared of what I’m going to see. You like me, and I you. But, you see, at that time, I knew what I felt towards you, but I was so uncertain of so many things. I’m sorry for ruining that moment for us. As cliche as this may sound, I remember wishing for the song to not end, but eventually, it did too. I didn’t want to let go, at that time. Even if everyone was evacuating the dance floor already. But, I did. I remember still staying on our spot, when you told me to get something from your left pocket. It was funny because, everything was still a bit hazy for me. Yeah, I don’t pick up fast. Anyway, I finally found the left pocket of your suit and I got a letter. I remember you asking me if I wanted you to read it for me. Well, What can a girl say to that, really? So, while the class videos were playing, while everyone was being sentimental, you got me to leave the ballroom hall with you. We stayed outside on this indoor balcony they have, and with that, you started reading the letter. And, again, as cliche as this may sound, everything started making sense.

So, here I am.. 21 days after. Just to let you know, I remember every single thing that night. I know I’m not the “wear my heart on my sleeve” kind of girl, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel it inside. I miss you.

And oh, your letter? you have no idea..

Lost

Forgive me and let me be emotional for a while. I know, I have absolutely no right to feel this way right now. I can't label it but, emptiness doesn't really have a name. I can't really understand how a person can be emotional and emotionless at the same time. I guess, it comes with time. Or a stage. A coming to the adult world stage.

I sat there, watching different cars speed through the lights of the city. I sat there, thinking and wondering quietly to myself, if each and every person inside those cars were alive. Alive, of course.. but, I meant that not just in a literal way.

Tonight was the night when I felt deep inside that everything is changing. The intensity of that realization hit me so hard in the chest, leaving me gasping for more air. Change. That's the only constant thing now. And, as I slowly realized that, word per word, I felt more scared, confused and lost by the second.

So many people all around the world..

February 22, 2010.


I remember waking up extra early to dress up and to prepare myself. I talked to mom and dad for a while before asking dad to drop me off the store. I ate breakfast there, and bonded with some of the crews for a while. After a while, I was on my way to MOA.

I remember having enough time to myself. To reflect. It's funny how I'm dying to be with you, but when I got there.. I also felt like I'm not prepared enough to be with you just yet. So, when I got there, the usual staller that I am, stalled and texted my friend instead. I met up with her, and hanged out for a while until I got a text from you. It was time, and I have no choice.

I met up with you by the rink, and hanged out for a while. You were using your iPhone while I was talking to my other friend. In no other words, it was awkward. Awkward for the first five minutes. Eventually, everyone started to arrive. And, just like that, the group was complete.

We bought iceskating tickets, and I remember teasing you about having to wear a helmet, because let's face it, you are no skater. And your balance coordination is most likely zero, even if you're a bad ass soccer player, as how you have put it. But anyway, I remember getting in first the rink and skating to my heart's desires (hahaha, but really!). I remember watching you from a far, while you're trying to figure things out. It was pretty funny and you looked really, really, really cute. Ha ha. After a while, I came over and decided to help you. I didn't know whether I should laugh or get annoyed at your expression, but I settled on the first one. Patience. So, I taught you.

After some time, the group decided to have lunch and to chill somewhere. So we ate somewhere, then shot some hoops. I remember beating you then. You looked pretty funny at that time. You and your bruised ego. HAHA.

After some time, we went back to the rink and it was then when my friends decided to interrogate us about things. I remember you saying that you would never want to do anything that would make me stay away from you. I remember you, looking straight to my eyes, stating to the world, to my world at least, that this is something new for you. Happy crush, crush, like. Everything.




And just like what I have told you, you are my only exception. :)
That day was epic. :) Thank you.

You and me

It was around six thirty when we got back to school. It was cold and dark. We were both tired from the outbound. I was tired, really tired but then, I had this burst of energy in me. A strange burst of emotions, for you and for me. I just felt like I'd lose something in me if I missed that chance to talk to you that night. So I did.

I remember going out of the bus first. Feeling that strange emotion you feel when you're seated on a roller coaster in a dark place with absolutely no idea what to expect. That was how I felt. It was a mix of happiness, of contentment, of being nervous, of being shy, and just a feeling.. a feeling of breaking out. It was strange. So strange.

I remember my bestfriend pushing me. Encouraging me. Telling me that I'm doing the right thing. I remember my other friend, someone who's really close to my heart, smiling at me. And just.. being there for me. Whether I'm going to do it or not. I remember panicking for that one last time, before I saw you at the stairs, getting off the bus. Everything stopped. And then, I died.

When you got off the bus, It's as if you knew. Knew that I planned on talking to you. I was mad that night. We dropped off our things at the theater then, we walked to the Chapel. It was dark and windy. I remember blurting out random stuff and talking about unimportant things. On my side, I was just trying to brush off the nervousness. We walked to the covered courts. I just kept on talking. Until, you suddenly pulled me. "Hide," you said. I remember you telling me that there's a guard and that our school has a curfew. I needed to start.

Just like before, we stayed at the grade school covered court, near the field. For a moment, it was silent. It's funny because thinking of it now, I feel like you knew something's about to happen. And you were right. When it comes to me, you are always right. I asked you to look straight ahead at the field, to the north. I leaned at the wall you're leaning at, and looked straight ahead at the other wall, to the east. It was a windy, starry and beautiful night. And unconsciously, I started blurting out random things again. It was dark, and I needed a light. Funny thing was right after I said that, God sent us basketball players to open the lights of the Grade school covered court. From that moment, I knew then that I have no escape. That night, it felt like God decided to do the work for me. The work I was too scared and nervous to do.

I pulled out the letter and reminded you to keep on looking straight. "I'm nervous," I said that because I was. I really was. You tilted your head backwards and sighed. "If you're nervous, Imagine how I feel." I smiled because, I'm starting to see it. "You know, it gets easier after reading the first word." And so, I did. I started reading it.

At first, I was nervous. My heart doubled it's pounding and my mind could only think of what-ifs. It was crazy. But still, I continued reading. I remember catching your eyes. I stopped and demanded that you look straight again. You did, so I started reading it. I remember airplanes passing, and basketballs rolling. The field and the gradeschool covered court. Ours. You had this most gwapo smile on, and I swear.. I have never ever seen you that happy until that moment. My heart, it skipped. And then, you stood up, brought me to the bench, and caressed my face. It was the sweetest gesture, ever. And I think, if it's even possible, I fell more in like with you. You just have that power in me, you know? We talked about random things. We walked around the campus, with you playfully pushing me. And when the night ended, you hugged and thanked me. It made me feel like I'm the luckiest girl alive. That night, with you. It was the best feeling in the world.

City

11:45 ; We were hanging out on high bar chairs with my best friend and her boy when you suddenly blurted out that it was five minutes to midnight. I checked my watch and argued that we still have fifteen minutes left. You grabbed my wrist, checked my watch, and told me to compromise with you.

11:50 ; After arguing for about five minutes, we both decided that it's ten minutes away from midnight. You went away with my best friend's boy for a while, leaving me and my best friend alone. I was humming along to the music, feeling a bit off and weird cause I was sick that night, when my best friend asked me, "Are you ready for this?". I was somewhat shocked because if there's one person in this world that I trust more than anything, it's her. And when she asked me that, I felt like I was minutes away to something that I will never forget.

11:55 ; We were just there. The four of us. Observing people and blurting out random stuff. People from our class would approach us, but then they would leave too. Thinking of it now, it's as if they sensed something but, I was too off that night to notice.

12:30 ; People would still approach us, and leave. You stood up. Once. Twice. Thrice. I felt you getting frustrated. Why? I didn't know.

1:00 ; You stood up, left for a while then, went beside me. I was laughing at what my best friend told me when I felt you tap me. You asked me, "Could I talk to you?". And I said, "Sure". Of course, I'd say sure. I don't know if I have the guts to say no to you. You asked everyone's permission before we left.

1:05 ; We just roamed around the place. Made fun of each other. Glanced up the sky. Appreciated the city lights of the fort. We were just there. Talked about random stuff. Laughed at each other. There. We were just us. And, it felt effortless.

2:30 ; After some time, I felt you getting frustrated once again. You sat on the road side, asked me to sit beside you and together, we just glanced at the starless sky. I was there. And so were you. It was silent for a while. I sat beside you. Silently urging you to go on with what you have to say. At that moment, I swear to whoever, It felt like a life-changing moment happening right in front of me. I was so happy. I still am. "When we were in second year.." you started. I got distracted, or maybe that's me trying to cope up with the moment. "When we were in second year, I used to liked you." I was shocked, told you in a joking manner that I had exactly 37 absents when we were in second year. You just smiled at me and told me that even if I was always absent that school year, there's still something fascinating about me. "I hated you back then," I remember telling you that. Because, it is true. For some reasons, I really hated you back then. Every single thing about you. I just laughed, smiled and observed. I watched you stutter. I watched you cope up with words. I sat there, awed. Awed to the fact that a person like you, someone whom I used to think so bad of, would humble down for a person like me. You changed. A lot. For the better. And it still amazes me.. up to now.

"I like you."
"I thought.."
"I liked you ever since the first quarter."

3:00 ; After apologizing for reading too much mangas and after asking me to slap you, we finally stood up again. There wasn't any confirmation. On my part, anyway. You looked so cute with your hopeless face. It was so endearing. Every single moment of that night was endearing. I was still absorbing every single thing that you said, when you suddenly stopped. You pulled out your hand from your pocket, put it in front of you, asked for my hand, and shook it. "Friends?," you said. I remember that, most especially. I smiled. "Friends." We walked for a while again. I was somewhat silent. Thoughts were running on my mind. I stopped, smiled and looked sideways at you. "Weirdo." You smiled. That funny, sweet, endearing hopeless smile of yours. Honestly, it melted me. I stopped again. "Why me?" I think, I caught you off-guard. You smiled. "A lot of reasons." It was such a safe answer. One, I couldn't let pass. "Tell me." You stopped and told me to sit on the sidewalk with you again. Sidewalks, It's such an awesome thing for us. You told me words. Words I'd never thought I'd hear from you, ever. "There are many girls, I know.. but it only took one girl for me to feel this way." It was such a funny moment for me. You told me stuff. Traits that I'd never thought for myself. And, I think.. deep inside, I liked you more for that. For seeing something more in me, that I refuse to see about me.

"Say that again."
"....."
"again."
You're smiling now.
"....."
"shout it!"
You got this biggest, most gwapo smile on.

3:30 ; My ride came. It made me feel sad. I didn't want the night to end. I never did. It was such a memorable night for me. The night when I finally stopped fighting, arguing and bullying myself. The night when I finally surrendered myself to these emotions that I've been feeling for you. It was inexpressible.

The fort nightlights and sidewalks. Arts in the Park.
February thirteen - fourteen.